When I get to the top of the mountain, it won’t be worth it if I don’t have that special someone to share it with.
At least, that’s what I used to think.
Back then, I believed that I would never make it alone. I needed someone to pull me up over the rocks when I stumbled and lead the way when I got lost.
But when I gave up hope of finding that in any of the men I chose to love, I adjusted my beliefs. I decided that I needed to be the leader, so all he had to do was to follow. Providing support, giving me a gentle, firm shove when the going got sticky. Stopping me from giving up and returning back the way we had come.
But this man was also hard to come by.
Finally, I agreed with myself that the only option was to make space in my life for a man whom I could tie a great rope around, and with a smile on his placid face, he would allow me to drag him bodily up the mountainside; shield him with my own body from inclement weather; bring him to the summit so he could finally stand beside me and bathe in a misty light of peace and joy.
I did not realise back then that all three ways of viewing my journey were equally disempowering.
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I am climbing the mountain now, and you are welcome to join me. I don’t need you to push from behind or block my escape route if things get tough. I don’t want you to surge ahead and pull me along – I’ll travel at my own pace and in my own time, thank you. If you wish to turn and retreat, you can go with my blessing. I’ll not bind you with vows and promises so that you can suffer guilt when you inevitably break them. I will love you for your human imperfections far more than for the glorious perfect being I know you to be in those moments when you are true to yourself.
You can walk with me by my side, step by step. Alongside everyone else who chooses that journey and joins us on our path. When we reach the top, you may be there with me, hand in hand. Or a thousand others may be there with us.
And if not a human soul steps foot at that moment on the summit other than myself?
From the moment I stumble over those loose rocks on the start of the climb, to that moment of standing in the light at the top of the world, I have found my constant companion. Don’t be jealous. He is your companion too. That is why I never have to fear being alone, and losing that fear, allows me to set you free.