Is divorce your only option?
My ex-husband and I separated in 2011 after 18 years together and got divorced in 2014.
I don’t necessarily want to go into too much details but I’d like you to have an idea of what we have been through and the reason I do that is that I’d like you to really consider all your options before making your mind up.
Most options are often considered – counselling, trying to get your problems solved etc. However there is one option I was not aware of when I probably would have most needed it. I have to say beforehand, there is no regret, but I would like to maybe open your eyes to another reality or possibility.
We actually had our first separation in 2007, it did not last very long but it was extremely painful to me as it was completely unexpected. We both lost our Dads in 2006 and 2007 and it was very difficult for us. I don’t want and don’t need to analyse what happened to us but I believe we both went into unhealthy mindsets, not knowing how to cope with grief and not being able to support each other.
Later that year I was admitted in hospital with pneumonia, unable to deal with the stress I had been through.
From then on, it was difficult for me to really see the whole situation with fresh eyes, I could only see my own point of view, as most of us do, caught up in my own thinking. My ex-husband wanted us to get some help, but I just refused to see a psychotherapist, that would be admitting that I had a problem and I did not want to talk about my life with a complete stranger (ironically, today I write blogs about parts of my life)… Could this have saved our marriage? We’ll never know. I have never believed in talking problems over, and still do not believe this today, I actually think it could make things worse when not in the right mindset.
So in 2011 I could not see any other option then to separate again and this time file for divorce as I was given the proof that we had completely lost our connection.
It was a challenging experience, though we chose to keep a good relationship, we have 2 children and they too suffered from the situation, I could not see any point in being harmful to each other as we realised that our children would pick up on issues and be affected.
So my life continued as a single mum, I left my job as I wanted to help people in my situation, I trained as a therapist, and learned many techniques to help myself and my clients who were going through separation and divorce.
The last 3 years I continued thinking that I was right in my decision to leave and more importantly I was 100% certain that we had no alternative. I also had some sort of belief that most marriages are bound to fail after my own experience, and seeing so many divorces around me, couples arguing most of the time, women feeling like they were not being considered by their husband or the other way around.
Until last month.
Until I had this massive insight.
I was at a seminar with Jamie Smart (Author of the amazing bestselling book Clarity – jamiesmart.com) thinking that it would benefit my business, and it did change quite a few things for my business, but it also had a massive impact on my personal life.
I suddenly realised that we had been doing the best we thought we could do, with the information that we then had, at our level of understanding at the time.
We always live in the feeling of our thinking, moment to moment.
My ex-husband and I actually were caught up in our thinking. And this is the biggest issue with couples considering separation.
Here are the consequences:
- We have not been able to connect with each other.
- We have not been able to deeply listen to each other. Instead we have been thinking about what we were going to say next and reacting to each other’s remarks.
- We were thinking about ourselves too much and not seeing the other person. It is always about ME.
- We have been fooled into thinking that we were feeling our circumstances, and this is the biggest trap. You can only feel your thinking in the moment.
- We have not been able to gain clarity on our situation. The more caught up you are in your thinking, the less clarity and wisdom you get. New thinking is always possible but we did not allow space for that.
Going through your problems over and over again does not help. By trying to fix the issue, you are actually making things worse. This is why I sometimes have doubts about counselling. When you have a bruise, do you actually press really hard on it? No. Because it hurts. So why do we insist on pressing on the painful situation?
So, am I actually suggesting not to do anything about it?
Well, it’s not just about overlooking the situation, it is OK to discuss the problems as long as you are not doing so when really upset. My recommendation is to first gain a deeper understanding of how our thinking plays a major role in our everyday life. The deeper you understand that you are always living in the feeling of your thinking, and that circumstances cannot give you a feeling, the better your life will be.
I would also suggest you read the best book on relationships which helped me gain a clearer understanding of my situation: The Relationship Handbook by George Pransky. It is a wonderful book, and I have always been very reluctant to read anything on relationships, but I felt compelled to read this book and it helped me immensely.
I also read a very touching story which really helped me open my eyes on what we have been through as a couple: Julian Freeman’s Life Beyond Money. I would strongly recommend it to hardworking men and women going through difficulties. Maybe this book will give you a fresh approach to your issues.
So is there hope for your current situation?
I would love to think so. I am now seeing my whole situation in a new light, and am able to see my ex-husband with compassion. I really thought that we had no option, I could not see another way out. Of course, that would not change anything for us now, the past is the past, and by definition no longer exists, however that could really change a lot for you. And if you consider counselling, please do so with a Three Principles facilitator who will help you see through the trap we are all falling into.
As I said earlier, I used to help my clients with different techniques to help them overcome negative emotions but I have now reviewed the way I work because of what I know now, and will only work to help you gain a deeper understanding of the inside-out nature of life, as I KNOW that we have all the answers we seek within us.
So if you would like to see how this can work for you, contact me for a free personal breakthrough session with me during which we can discuss your current hidden challenges and create a clear vision for yourself, and possibly your partner. I never thought that I would ever change the way I considered my situation. Yes I had forgiven myself and my ex-husband, but I now have a completely new view on what happened. I can understand what went wrong and I KNOW that it could have been totally different, had we been aware of that new understanding.
Consider it for yourself, and if it doesn’t prevent a divorce, maybe at least it can change the relationship with your ex for the better and it will definitely help you to enjoy the present moment and give you new possibilities for the future.
Free 1 hour Breakthrough Session
(usual value £75)
and see the benefits for yourself