How To Keep Yourself Affair Proof
Did you know that 17% of marriages end because of affairs?
Did your marriage end because of an affair? The truth is that nobody will remain sexually faithful, unless it fits in with their values hierarchy. No such thing as being faithful to a person. You will find – or have found by now that your ex is more trustworthy when it comes to living their highest values and least trustworthy when they live something low on their values. Experience of betrayal happens all the time. Nobody is faithful to you, they are just faithful to their values.
So what is important here is that when you next get yourself into a relationship, that you know what their values are. If you can tick their boxes, they will not stray. If you don’t, the chances of them doing so, go up.
To be able to talk honestly and openly about whatever is going on in your relationship is key. It would be wise to create the space for both of you to share – by which I mean – to let each other speak each other’s truth, with presence and respect. One of the main reasons why there is a communication break down between two people is because they have not learned to create a “safe” space by which they can share and speak their truth and not to project your values on them and think their values are dumb or stupid. This is the only circumstance that they will be honest with you. Practice hearing their truth and suspend judgments to just respect and be heard.
I have often found myself in situations where I would not open up and instead would lie. Why? Because I believed that there were more disadvantages to advantages for being up front and honest. People will only be honest if they believe that their top values will benefit more from doing so than not. Most people will believe that they are only honest, however as you may have guessed by now we are both. Depending on what context!
How to create a safe space
Tip Number 1: Set a time to talk (so that you are both ready for the conversation and are coming at it from that mindset). There is nothing more frightening when, what can be classified a difficult conversation, is sprung up on somebody out of the blue when they are not ready! Its like going out on a sunny day where you are wearing your summer garb, only to experience an unexpected storm. Without being prepared, you can end up being soaked and miserable!
Tip Number 2: When one of you gives the information to the other person, speak without you-ing, otherwise you may find yourself in a blaming dynamic which is a complete killer. It is like poking a hedgehog. The chances are they will shut down and use their prickles to protect themselves.
Tip Number 3: The receiver/listener – LISTEN! Be present and if you can paraphrase what they have just said by saying “what I hear you say is…………………………… is this true?” This will help them to feel listened to and connected and help the listener to contain him or herself and suspend judgment.
Tip Number 4: Finally, validate what you have heard – if you find this hard as you don’t agree, imagine yourself stepping into their shoes for a moment. By entering into their land you will be able to validate what and how they feel more easily.
Marina Pearson of Divorce Shift has really been there done that and got the T-Shirt, she is divorced and also the daughter to a divorcee. She has been featured in the Guardian, Daily Mail and a number of National Women’s Magazines as well as a Divorce Show on SKY TV.