What are the key classic errors men often make and how to avoid them
Sussex-based family lawyer Laura Sherlock offers some guidance for men when divorcing:
“I would say the most common mistake is often not obtaining advice at the earliest opportunity and often waiting until the process can be thrust upon them. I am aware that sometimes they might not want to be the bad guy and make the decision that it is the end of the relationship, rather waiting for the decision to be made for them. Or if they have decided to end the relationship, being motivated in their decisions by guilt.”
The implications of these common errors for their families, themselves, and their work life, can be severe. Laura sees that bullying is not a useful tactic and that men can be much ‘smarter’ about how they manage their divorce.
“A real challenge arises when we find ourselves being reactive rather than proactive. This can be a key sign that a divorcing person is not in control of the situation and can lead to panicked decision-making. Being reactive can lead people feeling that they are out of control, confused and stressed, and this can impact on all areas of their lives negatively at a time which is already extremely difficult.
This doesn’t mean they should be proactively pushing or creating disputes – but instead, proactively identifying the best way for families to resolve any issues that have arisen and being able to fully engage and participate in the process of their choosing.”
As a court advocate, as well as being a family lawyer and mediator, Laura is well-placed to help those seeking information early to avoid these common mistakes, and to ensure their cases can be presented in the most effective way. Often it is simply things that they could to do avoid going down the wrong road, because on a journey you need a map. Having a clear view of exactly what you want to achieve and how can save time, stress and cost, and Laura provides that in her role representing parties.
“It’s vital for divorcing men to get advice and information about all of the options available to them, and don’t leave this until the last moment – or it is likely to limit their options. The family legal system is certainly not a case where one size fits all. Collaboration, round table meetings, mediation, arbitration and even potentially considering court proceedings all offer pros and cons which will apply to everyone’s circumstances differently. Our jobs as lawyers is to identify the most appropriate to the client’s circumstances, advise on the merits and disadvantages to each and then support and represent them throughout.
Mediation: Offering More Solutions
My work as a mediator allows more solutions to be available and ways to avoid going down the wrong roads leading to a combative divorce.
Helpfully, I found that the mediation training and process focusses me on the wide range of implications of what is going on for parties. The legal matter at hand can often be quite a narrow issue, but in situations involving family disputes and separations we know that there is a lot more going on. Mediation provides a framework not only where parties can explore and be supported to reach their own agreements about these legal matters, but also one where they are supported in an environment to be able to communicate effectively with their former partner.
Because our team are focussed on dispute resolution, we often each carry out different roles and we’re therefore really fortunate to be able to offer a full spectrum of Family services. We offer initial free 30 minute options meetings which are a chance for us to take brief information and identify the issues for a client. We can then provide information about the various methods of dispute resolution available and consider the best options to suit the client. This diagnostic interview means that the client remains free to then choose any of these services from us, be it as lawyers and court or arbitration advocates, mediators or for collaborative law. Alternatively, they are under no obligation to instruct us.”
Money can often be at the root of fear-based behavior – so what could financial experts do to support those divorcing men more, if they were involved earlier in the process – rather than just being brought in to split pensions?
“Anyone who seeks advice and mentions difficulties in a relationship, or who is considering or is recently separated could be really well supported by some early financial advice, and for financial advisors to ensure that there is appropriate legal advice or information available too.”
Financial Advice When Divorcing: Early Intervention
Laura believes in supporting her client’s needs by giving them access early on to relevant professionals who can help them. One of those professionals is Sussex-based St James’s Place financial planner Nigel Rowland of Rowland Financial Planning, who is experienced in supporting clients through divorce.
Nigel knows that no divorce is the same, so his solutions are very flexible: “Putting our clients firmly at the heart of everything we do enables us to run a genuinely client-focused business. In our experience, no two clients are the same and we therefore ensure that we understand your personal or business objectives and deliver solutions that are right for you.
Many divorcing people are unaware they can be held jointly responsible for all debts – even those in their partner’s name. This can impact the credit rating of the spouse who hasn’t been the one to run up the debts. Another issue for many men around divorce is not allowing enough time to value a business they may own, or to strategise how to not let the business become a victim of the divorce. This is why getting financial guidance as well as legal is crucial when divorcing. We do not provide off the shelf solutions, but we offer the benefit of a single relationship for all of your financial planning needs. We strive to offer the very best service to develop a long term relationship with our clients.”
Laura actively connects with potential referrers like Nigel who can benefit her clients: “We are fortunate that there is a great deal of collaborative and networking between professionals, and this is increasing, whereas traditionally we all tended to work quite isolated from one another. Parties will find the process to be a more supportive one where they have a network of professionals who are able to assist them through this process. Often, in these situations parties will be reluctant to involve a number of different professionals due to the potential cost, but in the longer term this can save your client money, as all matters are dealt with together and there aren’t unforeseen issues which can arise later.
Overall, if more people experiencing family dispute accessed financial and legal advice at an earlier stage of their divorce – before it all ‘gets nasty’ – then the benefits to them and to their families as a whole would be considerable. I really think that regardless of gender, role, whatever, many parties going through this process would benefit from early advice to give them their options, and put them on the right track before the waters become too muddied with allegations and hostility.”
Laura Sherlock is a Family Lawyer at Stephen Rimmer LLP (Chartered Legal Executive Advocate) and a Family Mediator. As a lawyer, she predominantly advises couples who are separating or considering, cohabitants, spouses and civil partners.
Laura is also a Resolution member which means she is supportive of parties reaching workable solutions, and helping them get there in the most time, emotionally and cost-efficient way.
Are you training for a sprint or marathon?
When you are separating, going through a divorce or rebuilding your life again, you may be thinking, love will never happen again, or you really don’t want another relationship right now, because of the pain, heartache, and challenges you are working through. If you have children, their welfare will be something else on your mind. Let’s face it – splitting up is never going to be fun – and it may have you living one day at a time. And that’s all before you start getting into the protracted pain of legal proceedings and solicitors bills.
THE HEALING PROCESS
If you find yourself in your 40’s, 50’s or over, if you’re taking time out to heal your heart and get your head straight, finding love again could be far away from your thoughts. You could feel like you’re running a long marathon without any finish line in sight. Your vision ahead is only on the road right now.
When you are hurt and cut yourself, you need time to heal any wound. It is the same with your heart. As your wound or heart takes time to heal, learn to love yourself again, how you can improve your inner happiness, and the skills to bounce back so much more quickly if you are ready to change your experience of life.
If you value your self-worth and self-development, you’ve possibly had some counselling to support you emotionally, to help you feel happier and more confident, so it’s important to take the first step getting to know YOU again and what makes you tick.
With the right self-development support, you will transform your thinking and future choices.
If you want to be empowered to get YOU back on track, with an expert helping hand by your side, now is the perfect time to make the right life choices ahead if you’re ready to get out there and start socialising again.
As you rebuild your life independently being single once more, I cannot stress enough, you need to be guided in the right direction. You will otherwise get lost in the jungle of life or keep falling into the same negative holes on your road ahead. When you learn new skills now, you will quickly navigate around the holes, instead of falling again and again or staying stuck emotionally or mentally.
Sometimes in life we meet people we are not expecting, and it can happen when are you feeling lonely or vulnerable. If you only focusing on your children, you could possibly waste the next 1, 2 or 5 years of your life waiting to feel ready. If you don’t take different steps NOW you will continue to carry your negative experience of divorce around with you now and into your future that will impact every area of your life.
HAVE SOME FUN ALONG THE WAY BUT BE WARNED
Be warned! If you are looking for sexual chemistry to have fun right now, or choose to be single, that is okay. It’s all part of your journey. This is also a vulnerable time you could attract someone and get pulled into a relationship that is unhealthy, or not right for you.
If you do, the chances are you are likely to repeat the same relationship mistakes, or sabotage your dating experience or any new potential relationship (you might not even be aware of doing this).
START THE NEXT CHAPTER OF YOUR LIFE WITH A FRESH PAGE
Taking responsibility for your own happiness, is the foundation and secret to creating your happier and more fulfilling life. If you’re vulnerable, you might otherwise pin your hopes and dreams on someone else to make you happy, who will undoubtedly disappoint you because they will make mistakes. You will get hurt again.
You don’t even have to be thinking about dating or meeting someone new to benefit from the skills you will learn on the 2 Day Self-Transformation Coaching Programme. You will accelerate your healing journey, feel happier and more confident. You will discover valuable insight, knowledge and the right coaching skills to help you face and deal with your challenges from a new perspective.
If you don’t want to repeat the same mistakes, you need to start doing something now. Spend time getting to know YOU again. There are no visible signs of the wounds you carry inside, so give yourself time and seek help from the right expert who will guide you in the right direction to help you bounce back more quickly when another challenge arises.
Imagine, if you could invest 2 days of your life to get your life back on track so much faster. What would 2 days be worth to you if you transformed your approach? You will also help to positively educate your children with your new perspective and knowledge. You are also likely to approach your ex-partner differently.
THE LEARNING JOURNEY
To run a marathon, if you want to prepare properly, you will need to start training, think about your nutrition, start running and set some training goals before you start.
It’s the same approach you need to take in your life to run your race. It’s important to nourish your mind, to learn new strategies and techniques and start practicing your new skills. It will take time and training if you want a more rewarding and happier life. When you see the finish line, your life will change in an unimaginable way if you are ready to achieve the life and happiness you truly deserve.
You will also learn how to RECOGNISE someone RIGHT for you and how to BUILD and nurture a more REWARDING, happier, and loving relationship THAT does WORK before one arrives.
Do you prefer to sprint? Or will you train for your marathon, if you knew you could find greater happiness and a more rewarding life and relationship that does work? BE WARNED, sprints can end very quickly. They can happen in short bursts and fizzle out as quickly as they start. The same applies with men or women you are likely to start dating. They can fizzle out just as fast without the right training. You could continue running an endless marathon.
Dr Wayne Dyer the famous American philosopher said: “When you change the things you look at the things you look at change”. So, when you decide to change your perspective your life experience will change too.
What would it mean to you, if you knew the training you completed, supported you through your divorce, in your relationship with your ex-partner, and would help you to feel better about yourself and how to create a healthier and more rewarding life and relationship moving forward? Investing only 2 days of your life will positively accelerate your life now in the right direction…
Take the next step…..
Why not contact me, for a FREE 30 minute no obligation Introduction Call (via Skype or over the phone) to discover if the 2 Day Coaching Programme is right for you.
The first few months and years after separation require adjustments, but when couples move on, parents enter into new relationships. This can mean that whereas one couple were involved before with the co-parenting, now step-parents and more become involved. Blended families bring their own challenges – and not forgetting the important role of grandparents, who may also need to be included.
- Plan as early as possible. Work out a Parenting Plan as to who is to care for the children and when.
- What is reasonable?
- Very young children newborns rarely stay away from mums and;
- Older children often share time between each parent.
- Strict schedules? These often don’t work. We all need flexibility for life’s opportunities and challenges:
- Unexpected birthday parties
- Offer of weekend away with best friend etc
- How to make the plan
- Talk to each other
- Listen, listen and listen again
- Listen to the children’s needs – they want more say as they become older
- Try to coordinate holidays so that they don’t overlap or children spring from one to another
- Who will pay for holiday camps?
- How to help the children
- Don’t criticise the other parent
- Don’t make them a go-between
- Try to agree on boundaries – timings bed times for younger children etc
- Realise that whilst you may be missing your child when they are away, that you will also have your time with them to enjoy.
So what if you can’t agree who your children are to live with, and how they will spend their time?
Sorting out parenting plans on separation is a very wise step. And it’s never too late to create one.
NB you don’t need a court order for children. Court orders are only necessary if parents can’t agree, and should be a last resort.
How to achieve resolution?
- Kitchen Table discussion
- Negotiations between solicitors
- Collaborative process using Collaboratively Trained Lawyers
- Court (if all else fails)
My preferred approach would be the Collaborative approach. I am one of 14 Collaboratively Trained Family Lawyers in Leicestershire & Rutland.
What is the Collaborative approach?
- Participation agreement that states neither will issue proceedings
- Four-way meetings
- Anchor statement
What are the advantages of the Collaborative approach?
- Cost effective – it’s a long term investment
- No letters (or having to pay for a solicitor to send them!)
- You work together
- Your relationship may improve
- Creativity in finding solutions
- Process is flexible
What is required?
- The couple being open and honest and want the process to work
- You will see the benefits of compromise. Genuine desire to reach a settlement
- Put aside a partisan view
- Specially trained lawyers to facilitate
How would the Collaborative process help separated parents?
It can help with agreeing on finances – but when it comes to children, it can also help parents to agree on a Parenting Plan.
What is a parenting plan?
A parenting plan can include:
- What parenting decisions do we need to consult on?
- What we don’t need to consult on?
- How will we behave towards each other in front of the children?
- How will we share information?
- Will we have regular meetings to discuss?
- How will we involve the children in decision making?
- When can the children call or communicate with each parent?
- Emergencies – what to do?
- How will we help children stay in contact with friends and relatives from the other side of the family?
- How will we introduce new partners?
- What boundaries do we need to agree on – eg. homework and bedtime.
- How to work together on big decisions.
You need to decide if you can
- Listen to each other
- Listen to your child’s needs
- Negotiate equally
For parents that can’t agree, then the courts will often recommend attendance on a Separated Parents Information Programme.
“Having met James Belderbos for the first time I found him to be professional, knowledgeable and also very understanding to the sensitive situation with regards to my ex wife and the current situation.”
Throughout the whole process James Belderbos always gave sound advice and was always very approachable handling my calls personally which meant a great deal to me.
I would without doubt recommend James Belderbos to anyone requiring a Family Law Professional.” Mr D, Leicestershire
BBC Radio Leicester Interview with Collaborative Practitioner and Family Lawyer James Belderbos
Call us for a no-obligation conversation to discuss your needs:
Rearsby: 01664 498 999
Oakham: 01572 490 660
Or email James@bbmlegal.co.uk
You can also book a Fixed-Fee Consultation
if you’re ready to get started:
Nigel shares how difficult it can be to integrate families post-divorce. Sometimes the ‘new wife’ can be a powerful force for peace!
Demi Moore & Bruce Willis who are masters of managing the ‘blended family’. Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin also stayed friends through their “conscious uncoupling.” Or you may have heard of Ben Affleck’s divorce where the couple agreed to have separate homes on the same property so their three children can be near both parents. How would it be to have a divorce like Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas who are quoted as divorcing: “in a loving and friendly manner honoring and respecting each other”?
But the reality is that sometimes, one of the parents makes not just the divorce, but having a ‘blended family’ ongoing after the divorce, very challenging. So it can come down to the ‘step-parent’ to be the one to help make the family work in its new form…..
BBC Radio Leicester Interview with Collaborative Practitioner and Family Lawyer James Belderbos
Summer – and the school summer holidays in particular – can bring stress to many families. We are familiar with the pressures that Christmas can bring with families thrown together over the festive period, but the summer holidays can also create stress and opportunities for conflict.
Sadly, like Christmas, the aftermath of a family holiday can be too much to bear for some couples, who then consider separation.
All parents, and those of us who remember our childhood holidays, will recall crunch points. Holidays are wonderful – but they can bring specific pressures to bear on family life:
- Disrupted routine – we all like routine and can get annoyed when things get changed
- Sleepless hot nights – tiredness can cause short fuses
- Expense – cost of holidays
- Where to go?
- Relatives joining the family holiday
- Flights / airports / packing the car
Many like to think of long hot summer holidays as carefree days – but the reality is that carefree holidays can take a lot of planning, time and effort.
The school holidays can bring other pressures, such as: who is to look after the children, especially where both mum and dad are working? Even greater pressures come to bear when families are separated. It can be a particularly challenging time for divorced and separated parents.
Children really look forward to summer at the end of a long hard year. Not surprisingly, they want to go on holiday, have days out and to have fun.
Possible challenges to be aware of:
- Where a child normally simply spends just a weekend away from a primary carer – will the other parent have to negotiate more than two nights away?
- When will the holiday be? Clashing dates?
- Younger children may spend two weeks with a non-resident parent whereas older children may share time between both parents. Children’s needs change.
- Those who co-parent well may not have a strict schedule as they may value flexibility, allowing for unexpected opportunities. But sometimes planning ahead means setting dates in stone.
- How the children can contact the other parent when away – mobile phones, email etc?
- Who will organise and pay for summer camps?
This means that co-parenting skills – which were under pressure before separation – are put under greater strain during the holidays.
How can Collaborative Lawyers help?
I am one of 14 Collaboratively Trained Family Lawyers in Leicestershire & Rutland. The Collaborative Process allows a couple to sit down, each with their own specially-trained Collaborative Lawyer, and find solutions in an amicable way.
It can help with agreeing on finances – but when it comes to children, it can also help parents to agree on a Parenting Plan – which can include how the parents have agreed to manage the Summer holidays!
“Not only was James extremely attentive to accuracy and detail, he showed compassion and kindness (a trait not often associated with lawyers!) and steered me towards reaching a satisfactory result with my divorce.” Nicole Brent, Nottinghamshire
Call us for a no-obligation conversation to discuss your needs:
Rearsby: 01664 498 999
Oakham: 01572 490 660
Or email James@bbmlegal.co.uk
You can also book a Fixed-Fee Consultation
if you’re ready to get started:
What are the symptoms that can affect people who are going through a divorce?
Life itself is stressful enough without the added stress caused by marital breakdown. Common symptoms that I witness as a life coach and hypnotherapist often supporting people through their divorce stress, are worry and anxiety about the future (financially and emotionally) which often leads to erratic sleep patterns. When sleep is lacking it often leads to irritability, frustration, lack of energy and problems with concentration. This can then result in being susceptible to the symptoms of anxiety and low mood.
Poor sleep and bad eating and drinking habits can form a cycle that can be hard to break.
Anger, jealousy and bitterness towards the ex can and do exacerbate the situation – and these states of high emotional arousal fuel erratic behaviour possibly resulting in high blood pressure.
Unfortunately this toxic mix of negative emotions and lack of energy result in poor decision making and a loss of confidence and low self-esteem.
Apart from not being able to function properly at work or as a parent, the stressed divorcing person may suffer longer-term physical and mental health risks.
When experiencing a lack of sleep and high levels of emotional arousal the rational part of the brain is hijacked by the emotional part, which adversely affects our ability to make decisions, to solve problems and to think logically.
The emotional part of the brain tends to operate in black and white which can result in a highly anxious person resorting to fight or flight behaviour, or a depressed person resorting to suicide as the only option.
The University of California, Riverside conducted a study examining marital status and suicide and found that the risk of suicide among divorced men was over twice as likely as that of married men.
The longer term physical health risks are hypertension (high blood pressure), diabetes, heart disease and digestive disorders. It has also been said that emotional trauma can and often does result in cancer. Anxiety and depression are the most likely long-term mental health risks.
So what can people experiencing the stress of a nasty divorce do to mitigate these potential side-effects for their divorce?
And how can hypnotherapy change their mindset as well as their stress levels?
What you can do to help mitigate the
stress symptoms of divorce?
However difficult your life has become you need to prioritise your own physical and mental well-being. This means eating healthy nutritious foods and exercising regularly. In addition, you need to consider your emotional needs such as the need for security, attention, autonomy and control, meaning & purpose, emotional connection, competency, status and friendship etc.
If your emotional needs are not being met you are more likely to develop unhealthy coping strategies such as drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, smoking cigarettes, comfort eating and recreational drugs.
Hypnosis is sometimes described as a ‘trance state’ (as you become inwardly absorbed) which can be induced in many different ways. You could drift into a trance whilst reading a book or watching a film. It could also be induced by a professional hypnotherapist using his or her voice and hypnotic language to help you into a deeply relaxed state.
A depressed state could also be described as trance state but a negative trance state as the person becomes absorbed in how bad they feel.
A hypnotic trance induced by a qualified therapist can lift you out of a negative trance state and helps you to create a positive state of deep relaxation which activates the solution-focussed part of the brain.
The top 3 things that a divorcing person should do to keep them psychologically strong:
- Get quality sleep without using sleeping pills if at all possible. Learning how to utilise self-hypnosis is a natural alternative.
- Ensure, as far as practically possible, that your emotional needs are being met. A professional life coach or therapist can help to keep you focussed on this.
- Do more and think less. Avoid paralysis by analysis. Maintain an active lifestyle for both physical and mental well-being.
Free initial 30 min assessment
Call to book on 01273 509793
or email: firstname.lastname@example.org
As a Chartered Financial Planner, I often help women who are dealing with divorce, and in this particular case, I helped a woman who wanted to complete a divorce in an amicable fashion – but was also worried about her retirement in years to come. Would she have enough money to live off and maintain her quality of life? And how would working with me be useful to her? What exactly is the role of a divorce Financial Planner?
At first, the lady concerned (let’s call her “Andrea”) didn’t really understand why she would need the services of a financial planner. What she did know was, that she wanted to keep her divorce peaceful, and that despite earning a six-figure salary in London, she was disillusioned with her high-pressure career and wanted a better work/life balance. At 54, Andrea and her husband had managed to accumulate savings, investments and pensions over the years and had also repaid their mortgage.
However, she was unsure about her financial capacity to change her life so dramatically, especially as she was approaching retirement age. She was worried about both her immediate financial position and the effect these changes would have on her short and long-term financial position.
She had never worked with a financial adviser before and was unsure how I was going to assist her during such a turbulent time in her life. But I had been recommended to her by a knowing friend, who understood that I was exactly the person Andrea needed to be talking with right now.
I am one of only a few UK IFAs to be qualified not only as a Chartered Financial Planner, but also as a Certified Financial Planner & a Registered Life Planner as well. Both Chartered and Certified are well-known qualifications held by a number of UK advisers. But the Registered Life Planner qualification is less commonly found in the profession. I am also experienced in providing support as a divorce Financial Planner – helping clients navigate some of the financial aspects of divorce.
The Registered Life Planner course is aimed at questioning techniques and listening skills to actually understand whether it is retiring at 65 that is their actual goal, or whether the client is wanting to achieve something different but doesn’t yet know it – it might be a career change.
It was vital that I really understood Andrea’s aspirations and wider life-goals – way beyond her divorce situation, before we even began talking about financials. We therefore took our time to discuss her background, her vision for her future, her expectations, priorities and money handling experience. There is no point in my clients getting to retirement age for them to realise they wasted 20 years of their life in a job they hated and find out they’re worn out, tired and don’t have the drive anymore.
Over the course of a few months I managed to help Andrea move from a state of flux to a life and financial position that had greater clarity, focus, structure, but flexibility too. Andrea was even able to resign from employment because she was confident with what the future holds for her. That’s the magic of a detailed and well-constructed financial plan.
Now she sees her son much more, enjoys a less stressful life and has more than enough income to satisfy her simpler needs. I implemented a number of recommendations for Andrea that have improved her position and matched her needs.
I would encourage anyone in their fifties who has not yet made a detailed financial plan with the help of a financial planner, to think seriously about doing so. Especially if they are going through a major life shift like divorce, where the expertise of a divorce financial planner can have a very positive impact on their situation. These life events can act as a catalyst for positive change – if you have the right experts to guide you.
I offer a financial health check that is free of charge. This meeting is about getting to know each other to see whether we can work together and it is your chance to ask questions and find out how I can help to improve your situation.
Contact me now on 07563529918
to arrange a time to talk or email email@example.com
Why you need a mortgage expert sooner than you think when you’re getting divorced – by Carl Mountain
“I’m going to my mother’s!” (and slamming the door) doesn’t let you off the hook if the marital home has a mortgage on it and you decide to get a divorce. If your name is on the mortgage, you are as liable as your spouse for the payments. So getting divorce financial advice early on is a good idea.
What’s yours is his and what’s his, is yours – including debts and mortgages. And if the payments are not made, your credit history will be damaged.
So getting to a place of financial independence as soon as possible – even before the divorce is completed – is vital. It’s never too early to sit down with a financial planner to look at how to achieve that independence in the longer term – and also to deal with mortgage and property issues in the short term.
Your financial advisor will suggest that you contact your mortgage company and if the situation is complex (spouse refusing to pay the mortgage but has control of the purse-strings) then the mortgage company may offer a payment holiday – which can buy you valuable time. Getting divorce financial advice at an early stage is a very good idea.
What are my mortgage and financial options?
If your name is not on the deeds, then you can register your matrimonial rights through the Land Registry to stop your partner selling against your wishes. Especially if the house was bought after you were married.
When it comes to divorce in the UK, the matrimonial home is considered a joint asset and you cannot be forced to leave by your partner. Don’t let them bully you into thinking they can. This is why getting some initial legal advice is a good idea.
Providing your house is easy to sell, just both moving out and selling up can seem the simplest option, and may allow a clean break divorce settlement to become a realistic solution. However, if your kids are settled in the local school, and you are not going to be able to buy a big enough house for the family with the proposed divorce settlement, then selling up may not be the best option.
A mortgage expert can advise on how likely the house is to sell and for what price (because they know the market intimately), they can also provide realistic information on what a new property mortgage will cost you in real terms, and whether you can even get a mortgage.
Often non-working wives think they can buy a new place and get a mortgage unaware that mortgage companies prefer people with a career and a strong past record of payments – which may be true for their spouse, but not for the parent who has been home for 10 years bringing up the kids.
If you stay in the property post-divorce, then the mortgage company may not want to add your name to the mortgage if you haven’t got the income to support that, so you can end up spending years in a house that is owned by your Ex – and possibly then have to sell it when the youngest child leaves school in order to pay a portion of the equity to your Ex as part of an earlier divorce settlement agreement. But will that leave you enough to buy a flat, never mind a house?
Divorce Financial Advice
So to really look at all the options, and how to avoid unnecessary tax implications, it’s vital to work with a financial planner. Lawyers are not trained to look into the future and work out whether you will have enough money to live off when you are 65. Financial Planners are trained to do that. And mortgage expertise will be an important element of making those calculations.
For mortgage and divorce financial advice, have a no-obligation chat with Carl Mountain: Click here to see more about how he can help….
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Mobile: 07800 768118
According to the Mirror, lawyers estimate that the average cost of a UK divorce is – in real terms – £70,243 and rising – with the average person losing out on £4,686 of their salary, with an added £5,089 on finding alternative accommodation, £8,926 in legal fees and £51,543 in paying off debt and sharing assets.
Of course, if the divorce starts to get ‘out of hand’ – then legal fees can begin to soar. I spoke recently with a mother who has had to borrow over £80,000 from her family to pay for legal fees to fight court battles against her husband over child custody over the last two years, and they are still no closer to actually getting a divorce. She had originally asked to use mediation – but her husband was not prepared to co-operate. For some people, having a lawyer by their side is important to them – but they CAN have a lawyer by their side, and yet avoid going to court at all.
James Belderbos of Bird Belderbos & Mee Solicitors, practices as a family solicitor and Collaborative Practitioner in Leicestershire and the surrounding areas. He knows something, that a vast majority of the general public are still unaware of: that Collaborative Practice can be a revolutionary way to get an intelligent divorce.
“You may feel that using any form of dispute resolution (alternatives to the traditional route of going to court) – which is essentially talking issues through in a reasonable way and seeking out mutually beneficial long term solutions – is somehow ‘weak’. I believe that by having a solicitor by your side during negotiations, gives you a greater sense of confidence.
It is never ‘weak’ to use more peaceful ways to divorce, and which ultimately saves money, time, stress – and reduces harmful side-effects on the children. Reducing stress enables you to focus on the important things in life and you to perform better. Compromise is not a ‘dirty word’ – it’s the route to staying in control of the decision-making process, instead of handing it over to a judge who knows little about your family.
Yes, you may decide to have less of the property value or savings and give that to your spouse instead – but you’ll only be agreeing to do that if what you are getting in return is more valuable to you. Such as, by way of example the assurance that the money is going towards university fees for your children. Ultimately, you decide.
The benefits go beyond the financial aspects and can facilitate a more harmonious relationship for years to come which is especially important where children are concerned.”
When it comes to the financial aspects of divorce – especially if they are complex – this is where Collaborative Practice can really come into it’s own.
Contrary to popular misconception, lawyers are not highly trained financial experts. But in the Collaborative process, financial planners (who ARE highly trained financial experts) can not only work with clients as a couple or 1-1 prior to settlement negotiations, but as Chartered Financial Planner Charlie Reading explains, they can also collaborate with the family lawyers and be part of the round-table discussions with clients and lawyers.
“I can paint a picture of a family’s future using real data – actual costings based on their everyday needs and forecasting exactly what they will need in the future. Imagine beginning your divorce settlement discussion and being confident that you will have enough money to live off when you are in your old age, by making certain adjustments post-divorce to the way you structure your finances.
Imagine how much more amicable your discussions will be if you don’t have that fear of ‘losing it all’, but can demonstrate to your spouse exactly what you need for the future and why. It actually helps build trust and you’ll become less afraid of the financial implications; instead, you’ll feel excited about the financial independence you will gain by having a proper strategy in place. Obviously, people may not always agree on which strategy is best for them, but that’s when working with skilled Collaborative Practitioners in round-table discussions comes into its own.
If you go to court, the judge isn’t a financial planner. Judges will tend to focus on getting a split that seems fair based on the information they have presented. Often that information is based on figures pulled out of the air – not proper projections. The most empowering thing for me as a Chartered Financial Planner, is to be able to help my clients ‘see into the future’, and help them to be reassured and excited about it.
Financial planning isn’t just about reducing your outgoings now to have enough money to live off later; it’s about intelligent investing and management of that money – a pension pot or sale of a property for example – so that money works hard for you and provides the lifestyle and future financial security that will make you and your now extended family more content. Ultimately, this will mean you’re less likely to need to argue about money.”
Sitting round a table with your respective lawyers – both of them Collaboratively trained (this is important – conventional family law training is completely different from the Collaborative approach) – would seem a sensible option. Which is why it is so strange that even some family lawyers are murky about what Collaborative Practice actually is. In my experience, over 95% of the educated and worldly people I ask the question: “have you heard of Collaborative Law” – respond: “No. I haven’t.”
Singer/performer Madonna and her former husband director Guy Ritchie are considered to be the first celebrity couple who went public about using collaborative law. In 2008, actor/comedian Robin Williams and his wife chose to use the collaborative divorce. Williams stated, “We will strive to be honest, cooperative and respectful as we work in this process to achieve the future well-being of our families. We commit ourselves to the collaborative law process.” More recently, Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren reportedly used collaborative divorce. Perhaps it’s because this way of divorcing allows privacy (unlike the very public forum of a court-based divorce) – that we just don’t get to know about it. Or perhaps it’s because the media prefers to focus on the angry celebrity divorces instead?
James believes that Collaborative Practice should become much better known, and he would prefer to be using this methodology than having to represent clients in court, because the benefits to the family as a whole, especially the children, are indisputable.
“In a conventional divorce, I would be writing letters to my client’s spouse via their solicitor, instead of sitting opposite them and just sorting everything out alongside our clients. And instead of advising our clients not to talk to each other about details of the proposed settlement but to only communicate via legal means, we instead can suggest they work with a financial expert like Charlie Reading and then we’ll have some sensible strategies to discuss. It just makes so much sense.
“Some detractors say that Collaborative Law is expensive because you have to sit in a room with two lawyers and you may also want to include financial planners and family therapists, and clients don’t want to pay for that. But what they don’t realise is just how expensive getting embroiled in a court battle really is. You can spend over £20,000 on a particular issue and end up back where you started. Court time doesn’t fit around your schedule, the way Collaborative Practitioners can – and most of all, moving forwards it’s better to be able to resolve future family issues through discussion than battling it out in a legal system that can leave emotional as well as financial scars.”
If you want to discover more about the benefits of Collaborative Practice, email James@bbmlegal.co.uk or click here to book your fixed-fee consultation….
For a free financial exploration meeting with Charlie Reading, Call 01572 898060, Email firstname.lastname@example.org or Click Here…
I put some key questions to a group of international Dispute Resolution practitioners a few months ago – with the majority of respondents being from the UK – and here are the interim results. The size of the survey is not ‘statistically relevant’ (ie. not yet 100 participants) but it does give some thought provoking data and comments (all confidential regarding who has made them!)
The participants were nearly 80% Mediators, 68% Collaboratively trained, just over 16% were Arbitrators. 45.46% of the Mediators were also Solicitors.
Here are the results that I found of most interest:
Only 14.3% of Collaborative Practitioners didn’t agree with adapting the core training (ie. they were purists), but only 4.76% of the Collaborative practitioners practised exclusively DR – compared to 50% of the Mediators.
100% of the Mediators saw mediation as a good tool for helping with non-married couples splitting up, but only 75% thought mediation was good for creating co-habitation and prenup agreements.
By comparison, just over 83% of Collaborative practitioners and 62.5% of Arbitrators felt their disciplines were good for helping cohabiting couples to split, but a whopping 91.7% of Collaborative practitioners thought collab was good for prenups and cohabitation agreements (only 4.2% of Arbitrators).
“I believe that lawyers have a duty to help their clients select the form of dispute resolution which will work best for them and that the court process should be seen as a last resort. It is an unfortunate reality that lawyers make most money out of the court process and some are therefore keen to encourage their clients down that route.”
Interestingly, only 63.6% of Mediators thought their training made them better at dealing with clients as a solicitor (or overall if not a solicitor), compared to 85.7% of Collaborative practitioners.
Only 31.8% of Mediators agreed that the Law Society’s Family Mediation Accreditation was a good way to regulate the profession, and just over 18% said they did not do MIAMS and only worked with couples who had already decided to use mediation.
“I’m totally unclear what the Law society accreditation route adds to the profession when the FMC covers it.”
Only 63.6% of Mediators said they were aware that Arbitration can be used as a tool to resolve an issue in mediation, so that the mediation can then continue.
“I am a non-practicing solicitor and a professional family mediator. I have never had cause despite complicated cases to refer to arbitration“
“The latter (arbitration) needs great care. It is an easy “get out” and may taint the process if collab lawyers know they can hold onto it”
23.8% of Collaborative practitioners felt that the process was only viable for less than 50% of all separating couples (compared to 4.5% of Mediators). Collaborative practitioners felt that more training was needed to help those solicitors to be ‘more collaborative’ (47.6%) which echoes comments I’ve heard on many occasions about how some Collaborative practitioners are not always collaborative in the way they work, despite the ethos and training they’ve received.
“I believe that all forms of DR are underused because, whatever lip service is paid, family lawyers who face a very challenging market are fearful of losing their core work. There are of course many honourable exceptions.”
When it comes to getting dispute resolution clients, it was interesting that only 6.7% of respondents said they don’t have time to attract more DR clients – and over 26% said they would like to work more collaboratively with other professionals – but they didn’t have time to get to know them. Only 16% felt that their firms did not do enough to promote that aspect of their work. Over 61% use social media (not just LinkedIn) to promote their DR work, but under 13% use video. However, over 61% said that most couples in the UK – prior to a MIAMS – are not aware of family arbitration; over 87% said potential clients did not understand the basic principles of Collaborative Practice or had not heard of it at all; and 54.8% said that many couples still don’t understand what mediation is.
Over 66% said prospective clients just didn’t know enough about the benefits of DR, and 50% said that couples need to be better prepared and educated about DR so that the processes have more chance of working successfully.
Perhaps if education of the public become more of a priority in the marketing of family law services, that would be time well spent also regarding bringing in new clients (as a byproduct)?
Although 40% thought clients would better manage their DR experience if they had more financial advice, and over 53% thought more emotional support would be beneficial, only 36.7% thought that parenting support would make the DR process have more chance of working successfully – which I found interesting. Isn’t focusing on the role as parents a powerful tool in helping dispute resolution to feel truly relevant to parents?
Many thanks to those who participated – feel free to share your comments below.
If you would like to explore how to gain more dispute resolution clients, simply complete the confidential questionnaire below for a complimentary assessment:
I hear a lot of about collaborative lawyers and the good work they do helping couples navigate the complex process of separation and divorce.
Perhaps the collaborative model would be best for Brexit – legal advice to hand, yet ultimately, collaboration and clear communication (rather than game-playing) the order of the day? And a lot more private too.
Several celebrity couples have gone through a collaborative divorce. Singer and performer Madonna and her former husband director Guy Ritchie are considered to be the first celebrity couple who went public about using collaborative law. Comedian Robin Williams and his wife chose to use the collaborative divorce process in 20018. Williams is quoted as saying: “We will strive to be honest, cooperative and respectful as we work in this process to achieve the future well-being of our families. We commit ourselves to the collaborative law process.” More recently, Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren reportedly used collaborative divorce.
Avoiding conflict is always going to be the most sensible way to reach an agreement, despite the high emotional and financial stakes.
Like any conflictual divorce case, there are participants who feel justified in alienating their previous partner and believing that they are ‘in the right’ – and meanwhile the children suffer. Could it be that whilst Britain and Europe argue out the terms of their divorce, that other countries will be badly affected? Does breakup tend to mean selfishness and insular thought?
It is a great shame that so few people are aware of the benefits of Collaborative Divorce – or that it even exists at all. Like mediation, the focus is often on the children, which tends to make the decisions of their parents more long-term and sustainable. Based less upon fear and more upon taking joint responsibility of their children’s future.
“The collaborative divorce process is where you and your former partner can, with the help of your chosen solicitors, sit down in the same room and work through each and every problem face to face.
These meetings enable you and your family to resolve the issues that concern you the most, with the involvement, if necessary, of other professionals to assist in the process. These may include Financial Advisors or Family Consultants.” James Belderbos: Collaborative Practitioner and Family Lawyer
Couples are morally required to do what is in the best interest of the children e.g. access to co-parenting classes or working with an expert in creating co-parenting agreements and facilitating communication with the wider family relationships. In some States in America, taking a parenting class is obligatory when divorcing – and perhaps before the Brexit breakup it would have been better for the world community if the UK and Europe had undergone some tuition in healthy communication?
I think collaborative lawyers need to have a louder voice and to make their work more accessible to divorcing couples, and also those forming cohabitation agreements or resolving family issues where both financial and therapeutic experts can be invited into the collaborative law sessions.
If top celebrities can do it – so can we.
Victoria Sharman is a qualified counsellor with over 20 years experience helping couples and families make the changes they need to relieve distress and improve the quality of their important relationships.
Access your complimentary discovery session by phone with Victoria
tel: 0208 933 3040 mobile: 07936 88 11 50
My biggest inspiration has been my children. They have been the most important thing in my life so far. To me children are a gift, and with that gift comes a responsibility from the person who receives them, to make sure that your children are given the best opportunities in life, so that they grow into well-adjusted, well-functioning adults.
My inspiration for working with couples as a relationship coach is that I know how traumatic divorce and separation can be. I just want to help other couples to deal with it in a way that will allow them to suffer the least amount of emotional upheaval. That way the children retain their sense of security, with a loving relationship with both parents.
Where coaching can be helpful with that, is that it can help you to look at the other person’s behaviour and how it affects you, how it makes you feel. It can help you to look at different ways of reacting, and what results can come from that. If your reaction changes to the other parent, that will affect how they will react to you, because they will be expecting you to act in a certain way, and when you don’t, that kind of brings them up short, and they think: “Oh… wait, he didn’t take the bait, how come?”
So it can be very useful in helping you to change the whole situation from a volatile situation into – not necessarily an amicable one – but one that allows you to maintain some sort of control of the situation, because often when we are angry it’s because we have lost control, and that’s where the anger is coming from. If you can just feel: “I was able to keep myself calm, and still get what I wanted” – that leaves you with a great sense of satisfaction. And the children are spared the upheaval that comes with parents who are in conflict with each other.
I think that if I had access to coaching when I was experiencing marital difficulties, I don’t think it would have taken me as long as I did to leave the relationship. No matter how hard I tried to fix the marriage, I wasn’t going to be able to fix what was wrong, because we both had a part to play in the relationship. I got to the point after many counselling sessions of realising that it wasn’t all his fault, and it wasn’t all my fault either – but we both had a part to play.
I think if I had had coaching available to me at that time, I don’t think it would have taken so long for me to come to that point of realisation. It would have helped me realise much sooner what part I was playing in the dynamic of the relationship, and that it was time to let go.
“To thine own self be true…the truth is within you!”
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift…that’s why it’s called the present”
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A recent question came up in our Secret Facebook Group about what is the best online divorce provider.
It’s a good question to ask, because the feedback I have had from many people who have used them, is that the quality of the service can vary enormously. But I notice the real problem they have, is that their expectations about what a divorce actually involves, are often way out of kilter.
The person asking the question in this case seemed very much in control of the process and was presumably looking for a simple way to finish it off – to end the marriage contract. But the guidance received in the group was so useful to the majority of people who are looking for a quick fix solution, that I thought I’d share it. Obviously, I keep everything that is in the group Secret (hence the name) but I’m pretty sure that the experts from the Alternative Divorce Directory, who offer their guidance within the group, are happy for their pearls of wisdom to reach a wider audience! (Isn’t that right, Sam?)
My own comment on the post was…. “What I would make sure of is that you have spoken with a financial planner to make sure you don’t end up with tax bills you might not need to pay or pensions poorly ‘split’. Also, make sure that you turn your financial agreement – consent order – into a legally binding document. I was speaking about that the other day with solicitor and mediator Laura Sherlock. Just because you do the divorce bit that doesn’t mean your ex husband or wife can’t claim a right to your finances years down the line.”
Chartered Financial Planner Sam Whybrow popped into the group and explained the following – which was so valuable I wanted to share it:
“That’s right Suzy Miller. Regardless of going through divorce it is imperative to consider the full financial implications of any decision before they are made reality. The tax consequences amongst other financial implications could be life changing, especially during divorce.
The need to do this is even more important before, during and after the divorce process because the implications both financially and emotionally could be far worse. It amazes me that people still do not fully explore or understand their pensions yet there could be a significant amount of wealth tied up in them. The fact that pensions don’t provide instant gratification like the matrimonial home means that they are often forgotten about – yet the value and income potential means they could be worth a lot more (both financially and emotionally further down the line).
Perhaps it’s because people don’t understand them or they’ve been made to feel they are too complex.? It’s rubbish. They are a valuable asset just like any other and should be treated as such. You wouldn’t buy a house without instructing a solicitor, perhaps an estate agent, a surveyor and even a designer – so why wouldn’t you instruct a financial planner to analyse the pros and cons of the pension and how this might look pre and post divorce?
We have a duty as financial planners to help people to understand their pensions and finances in a jargon free way so that they can make informed decisions regarding their future. This, I am sure, provides people with clarity and control whilst going through divorce during a period in life when it feels like these don’t exist.”
So for all those out there who are considering a ‘quickie divorce’ online, more important than which company you use, is to have a conversation with a financial planner and save on tax and miscalculation of the real value of pensions – and not having a proper financial plan going forwards. Divorce is much more than the closing of a contract.
Thank you Sam for sharing!
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In this Brooklands Radio Surrey interview with Theta Healer Debbie Talalay, Debbie explains how Theta Healing is a quick and powerful way to heal the mind of subconscious blocks – and also physical problems.
She relates an incredible story about a Theta Healing client who reported that her Psoriasis disappeared overnight, and how she has helped people with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
“Debbie Talalay – wow, if you haven’t been to see Debbie yet, then you just must. Went to see her and found out about ingrained beliefs I didn’t know I even had (but make a lot of sense given my background etc) and now they are gone… just like that!” Lara Zibarras: Athena
Debbie uses Theta Healing for a wide range of situations including weight loss, feeling ‘redundant’, and helping clients deal with the issues around divorce which may stay with them for many years. By working with Debbie, long-held beliefs can be eliminated swiftly and painlessly, without her clients having to re-live those challenging times.
Deborah was an actress for many years. After years of repeated chest infections, she was forced to look into alternative therapies for some answers. On the road back to health she became so fascinated by what these therapies could achieve where conventional treatments had failed, that when her eldest son was born in 1986 she decided to train as a homoeopath.
As well as working with adults she has also treated many young people with behavioural and learning difficulties, who have gone on to become happy and well-adjusted adults. She has worked extensively in her practice with Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome and at Chailey Heritage a centre of excellence for children with complex physical disabilities. Deborah was also a Foresight Infertility Practitioner and has helped many infertile couples to conceive.
Healing for Change includes Theta Healing techniques and is a groundbreaking healing process that helps rapidly heal & release negative thoughts, beliefs and behaviours so that you can finally achieve your goals. Find why manifesting won’t work if you still have negative beliefs running your subconscious mind. Healing for Change works to unlock the beliefs that are holding you back, clears the negativity & makes room for your hopes and dreams to become a reality. Healing for Change installs positive beliefs that can have a life-changing effect.
“I know it worked – because I can breathe deeply again without feeling blocked.
I feel like a new woman since my Theta Healing session and I’ve had more potential clients gravitating towards me.”
Claudia Crawley: Career coach & executive coach for women, at Winning Pathways Coaching.
Petra isn’t known for her philandering. A number of male swans attempted to make her acquaintance in the two years preceding December 2007 – but Petra rejected them all, for she was in love with a plastic swan-shaped pedal boat.
The romantic escapades of the black swan hit headlines around the world when she began following a white pedal boat around on the lake where she lived. When winter arrived, she refused to be separated from the boat when workers removed it from the lake for the winter. The local zoo found a place for the swan and the boat to spend the winter together.
But despite Petra’s love and devotion to her unusual choice of mate, and our own human desire to believe in life long commitments between creatures other than ourselves, it has been discovered that five percent of whooping swan pairs end in divorce, and as many as 1 in 10 pairs of mute swans split up.
Unlike with humans, the swans’ divorce process seems not to dissolve into years or rancour, unhappiness and debt.
In a strange turn of events (but not AS strange), a pair of British swans decided to separate, according to an article in BBC News. For only the second time in 40 years of observation, the Gloucestershire wildfowl sanctuary had seen a divorce among the birds, who tend to mate for life. Unlike other swans who get new partners after becoming widows, these birds seem to have suffered irreconcilable differences.
The sanctuary has studied 4,000 pairs of swans as they migrate from Arctic Russia. The rogue male swan, named Sarindi, ditched his partner Saruni for the migration, leaving experts to fear Saruni had died. When she showed up with a new mate herself, researcher Julia Newth told the BBC the staff was surprised to see neither swan showing “any signs of recognition or greeting — even though they are occupying the same part of the small lake.” Newth is uncertain what caused the swans to part ways, but suspects failure to breed may have been a factor.
One of the objectives of the Alternative Divorce is to provide the information and the inspirational support human beings need when going through relationship break ups. We can’t help swans who are getting divorced, but we can try to reverse the stigma over break up and help people feel supported through the process.
If even swans can sometimes need to change partners, we shouldn’t make humans feel like failures because they haven’t made their relationship work for an entire lifetime.
Swans, Wikipedia tells us, usually mate for life. Divorce, though, the entry goes on, “does sometimes occur, particularly following nesting failure.” Which perhaps explains why Petra, the famous black swan from the German town of Münster, finally ditched her boyfriend for a new beau. It is, after all, difficult to nest with a giant, plastic pedal boat.
Not many nests are wrecked by the rigours of the credit crunch, so what does drive this icon of romance, the swan that `mates for life’, to divorce? Biologists are scrutinising bird families, from courtship to break up, with new interest these days. For years, scientists assumed that birds which nested together pretty much stayed together without slipping off to visit alluring neighbours. In the 1980s, however, DNA analyses of nestlings revealed that the male who helps tend them is not always their genetic father. “A lot of birds are having a bit on the side,” says Jeffrey M. Black of the University of Cambridge in England, “so many theories about evolution and social behaviour have been turned on their heads.”
From this upset, studies of feathered divorce have begun to emerge. “I think you’re going to see a lot more,” Black predicts. Many researchers use the term “divorce” for paired birds that separate or fail to reunite during the next breeding opportunity. When the word first showed up in ornithology papers, “there was an uproar,” Black remembers. However, ornithologists didn’t seem to take to such proposed alternatives as “severance,” “breakage,” “dissolution,” or that masterpiece of neutrality, “nonretainment.”
Black has collected estimates of divorce rates in more than 100 species of birds. The percentage of pair bonds that break ranges from nearly 100, in house martins and greater flamingos, to roughly zero in Australian ravens and the waved albatross. Humans, who divorce in 40 to 50 percent of new marriages in the United States and are predicted to reach such levels in the UK, fall into the same range as the masked booby. Divorce rates differ not only among species but among different populations of the same species, much as humans in Hove untie the knot at a higher rate than those in Cheshire.
The frequency of deserting females does not surprise Andre Dhondt of the Cornell University Laboratory of Ornithology, who compares relative investments in reproduction. “There is more at stake for females than males,” he points out. To find out who benefits from a divorce, Dhondt has tallied the number of subsequent offspring of divorced male and female blue tits. “Typically, females improve their breeding success, but the males don’t,” he reports.
The singles scene can be tough for some species. Among red-billed gulls in a region with few males, 32 percent of females that lose their mates through death or divorce never breed again. Long-time gull watcher James A. Mills of Corning, N.Y., who reports that number, notes that some of these loners lived 10 more years.
Luckily, humans don’t have to rely on being able to reproduce to find a happy partnership. But we do need a great deal of practical and emotional support to help us start over successfully when things don’t work out.
In humans, second or third-time around UK divorces have doubled since 1981, say official statistics. According to the Office for National Statistics, one in five of all couples divorcing in 2005 already had one marriage break-up behind them.
But there is hope yet – apparently, Bewick’s swans never separate. Well… almost never.
When Birds Divorce Who splits, who benefits, and who gets the nest By Susan Milius
Jeffrey M. Black, Cambridge University, Department of Zoology, Downing St. Cambridge CB2 3EJ England
Andre A. Dhondt, Cornell University, Laboratory of Ornithology, 159 Sapsucker Woods Rd, Ithaca, NY 14850
The wife of former Sky Sports presenter Richards Keys has claimed she spotted ‘telltale’ signs that he may be seducing another woman – as she wrote a book on infidelity. A trained counsellor, she has now written a book called The Manscript, which helps readers to identify when their partner is cheating on them.
I hope that as a trained counsellor, Julia Keys will offer more in her book than how to increase the level of paranoia and fear in every couple who reads the book, where one of them has a nagging doubt about their spouse’s fidelity. Next I imagine we will see ‘How To Spot An Adulterer’ as a TV series, and then maybe we’ll end up with a whole nation of both spouses each secretly spying on each other, searching for the ‘tell-tale signs’ that their beloved ‘until death us do part’ husband or wife, is shagging someone else.
But what good will it do?
From my own experience, I learned two big lessons from being on the sharp end of infidelity.
The first was that although the agony of rejection was worse that being physically beaten up – no-one could see the depth and scarring of the wounds of betrayal on the outside, which makes it a deeply lonely experience – the fact dawned on me after a few months of intense suffering that actually, I was still alive and functioning, no-one was dead, and maybe it was my attachment to the importance of fidelity that was the problem, and not the action itself?
When you are whole and sure of who you are, then infidelity does not have quite the same impact and so will not hurt as much.
Everything hurts more if it touches on your insecurities. If you are secure in yourself then you are not so easily destroyed.
Personally, I don’t choose to be in an intimate relationship with someone who is having other intimate relationships elsewhere, not because it’s ‘wrong’ or means I’m ‘not enough’ – but because the quality of that relationship will be pants. It’s hard enough to have a meaningful honest loving intimate relationship with one person – never mind having another one on the side. I want grown up relationships – not ones that I use to make myself feel special and loved. I’ve learned that this is my job – not a partner’s job. I’m responsible for how good I feel about myself, not them.
And that leads me to my second learning. What really began to cause me emotional pain wasn’t that we couldn’t trust each other anymore. It was that he had not been brave enough to tell me that he wanted to have a relationship with someone else. It was that horrible realisation that our ‘relationship’ was a mirage, an illusion, and perhaps it had never had any depth and strength to it at all. We had just assumed love made strong relationships. It doesn’t. You have to put some work in.
The ‘work’ needed for relationships is not about sacrifice nor bullying your partner into behaving in socially acceptable ways (because insisting someone behaves a certain way ‘or you’ll leave them’ is actually a form of bullying) – it is about learning how to trust each another enough to tell the truth, even when that truth is painful to the person you love.
I feel sad that someone can be so low in self-esteem as to keep ‘searching’ for proof of a possible infidelity; a punishing exercise….However I did have to find my proof; I knew that something was way wrong in our long marriage, sadly I was correct… learning to know ‘You’, is key; learning to trust can follow. Old habits can change and love, companionship and fun can be the result. Susan Cowe-Miller: Hampshire EFT
Making a different choice
Wouldn’t it be amazing if instead of sneaking around making secret texts, your partner was able to sit down and talk about what’s going on for them, in a space of non-judgement and unconditional love? And if the idea of that makes you laugh – just think about it. We get the relationships we choose. So what choices have you been making lately?
If your partner is using relationships to feel loved and special, then the problem isn’t that you have ‘failed’ to provide that sense of love and specialness. Because it’s impossible. They will seek forever to find it and never reach that place of peace. Because it isn’t outside – they already have it inside them if only they could see it. So instead, why not choose relationships where your spouse is emotionally mature and secure enough to realise this, and build a strong and honest communication without fear or judgment, so spying on each other would become utterly redundant. You’d just ask a question, and receive an honest answer. Surely it can be that simple – can’t it?
Well…. not simple. It takes some training. Which is why Counsellors and Relationship Coaches have so much to offer. These skills are rarely learned from our parents and so we need to find good teachers. The Relationship Experts on the Alternative Divorce Directory spend time helping couples stay together, as well as to part in ways that build a strong and trusting relationship.
“In my experience once the impenetrable boundary has actually been broken, shame can lead to further betrayals of trust. We might feel ashamed because we don’t see ourselves as somebody who would betray another’s trust so we lie to cover the original behaviour. Other ways of dealing with deceiving someone is to minimise what’s happening or to make ourselves believe but the other person in the main relationship doesn’t care anyway, so it doesn’t matter. All of these ways of distancing emotional discomfort or pain provide alternatives so we don’t have to recognise the once impenetrable boundary is broken. So the ’emotional dance’ between the main couple changes the moment that someone else comes into the couple relationship, a change in the dance is usually enough to signal problems within the relationship, courage by both adults is needed to be able to acknowledge the change.” Adriana Galimberti-Rennie Associate Fellow British Psychological Society
How can you ever trust them again?
I remember thinking “I’ll never trust him (or any man) ever again.” That’s a shit place to be. But if you focus on how you’ve been wronged, and paranoiacally search for evidence (possibly bringing in the kids to help you search on Facebook to spy on ‘that adulterer’ – I’ve seen it happen) – then what kind of world are you creating for yourself? If someone lies to you they deserve your compassion, not your hatred. Be glad you are not them. If you want greater honesty in your relationship, you can’t use the truth as a weapon – making it your reason to leave.
If a partner knows that by confessing their infidelity, you are going to end the relationship – of course they’re not going to tell you the truth based on those rules. Sneaking about trying to prove them a liar (having set up the situation so that lying is going to be the most obvious choice if they want to remain in a relationship with you) – is never going to help relieve the pain of the truth, nor create solid foundations for a strong co-parenting relationship if you decide to split.
I learned through my co-parenting relationship – a totally new relationship, that slowly grew out of the ashes of the old one – that you can actually learn to trust again. Not as a romantic partner, but as a father to my children, and someone who cares for his family deeply. I learned that I could respect someone again whom I once despised, and that the level of honesty is founded on not only his level of emotional maturity, but also mine.
The gathering of the clan (well, some of them) at the Chesterfield Networking Event in Mayfair – but is person-to-person business networking still worthwhile in the social media age?
Networking In Business and its Importance
We are constantly bombarded with advertisements, emails, status updates, special offers. But do you ever feel that someone is making an actual effort to get to know you properly? Or do you feel just like you have lots of junk and out-of-touch nonsense rained down on you through your in-box?
Networking in business is the single most powerful marketing tactic used to increase and sustain success in any business. It provides the most productive enduring tactic to build relationships with other businessmen and women. To succeed you must continually connect with new people to grow your network.
“When trust between a divorcing couple is damaged, each needs professionals they can trust. So, to offer a divorcing couple the highest quality service we need to learn – through networking with other skilled professionals – who will work in the best interests of our clients.” Adriana Galimberti-Rennie – Associate Fellow, British Psychological Society and owner http://www.painlessdivor
What is peer to peer networking?
Networking is about making connections and building the foundations for a mutually beneficial relationship. The more people you include in your network allows the ability of the expansion of your sphere of influence. Making sure that it is mutually beneficial for both parties is key, as no-one wants to offer more than they get in return. Networking is also making sure as many people as possible know who you are and what you have to offer.
Or at least that is the most common belief.
But perhaps the real value of peer to peer networking is being able to connect with other professionals and business owners in an enjoyable way, focused on sharing good practice, ideas and support for each other? Not only is that more fun than thinking “how many sales am I getting out of this?” – but it also can be more productive.
“People buy from people they know, like and trust, which means establishing relationships. One of the most effective forms of building relationships is to network with other professionals and businesses. Face to face networking on a regular basis provides a supportive community that you can learn from and share knowledge with. Being part of a community is an innate emotional need for all human beings” Andrew Spence: Wellbeing Coach
Regular consistent networking, building ongoing relationships (not 1-hit wonders) through further events and social media interactions, not to mention 1-1 meetings to understand each others’ services in more detail, will often lead to referrals from your networking peers rather than direct sales. But that’s OK! In fact, having an unpaid team of referrers out there guiding prospective clients towards you, is a nice thing. And of course, you will naturally do the same for them.
Whether you are a senior executive or a politician, whatever your role, the skill of networking is worth taking time to develop. Carry it out as a habit, as it is something that needs to be ongoing. There is an almost endless supply of people out their each day for you to get in contact with.
“Be prepared to give and you will receive. It’s all about making the first move, about building a professional relationship and showing interest and that you have listened and not just tried to sell your services. I also network amongst my clients too. It also pays to build up local and regional relationships as people move around the country. It’s all about people and trust. Show you know and understand their business and personalise your communications. A CRM system is a must as there is a limit to what you can store in your head. This will help when organizing events and ask invitees to bring x2 guests.”
Why is it so Important?
Networking allows the chance to build personal relationships that enable you and your business to stand out, shine above all the others. People notice when you put the effort in on a personal level. Creating positive memories that people can refer back to, rather than just another email or voucher.
Think of personal relationships as a sort of catalyst. The people that you do business with will begin to not only like you but more importantly – trust you. By serving as a useful resource to people, this will benefit you through recommendations to clients or invitations to attend events which allows you to bond with other business people and potential customers. Creating a referral network is very important in the growth of any business.
“Networking and 1-1 chats offer me the opportunity to better explain how my favoured therapeutic tool, EFT Tapping and Counselling skills benefit those going through divorce. Emotions run high and physical health suffers; reducing stress and anxiety levels will only benefit and allow resolution to be achieved perhaps quicker and potentially with better results.”
Susan Cowe-Miller: Hampshire EFT
How do I get more out of my peer to peer networking events?
- Follow up with an email to the people you just met. This gives the impression that you are genuinely interested in their business and keen to start a collaborative relationship.
- Take all those business cards that you have stored in the draw of your desk, which you tell yourself ‘I’ll do it later’ – and do it now. Add them onto a CRM like Hubspot (it’s free)
- Connect with people as soon as you can by LinkedIn, twitter and/or other social media while its still fresh in your mind, but more importantly, still fresh in their’s.
There should be no reason why you have to reintroduce yourself again later. Make sure they remember you by reinforcing that initial connection.
Most importantly, only do it if you have a passion for connecting and interacting with people. You really need to enjoy it, otherwise you could be potentially wasting time and energy on something you aren’t all that interested in. If you have a burning desire to build collaborative, mutually beneficial and enduring relationships with people… start with face to face networking.
But remember – without the follow ups and continued connection through social media, you will not be getting the results you need for the time you spend networking.
Digital Marketing Consultant
In his interview with Suzy Miller of the Alternative Divorce Guide, Charlie Reading, of Chartered Financial Planning firm Efficient Portfolio, talks about securing your financial future after divorce, and how to prepare for and deal with the financial impact of divorce.
The financial impact of divorce can be very demanding, especially as it comes at a time when the emotional stress is already high. Taking the time to plan financially helps ensure that your divorce runs as smoothly as possible, increasing your chances of a fairer settlement and greater future security.
As you make the shift from planning your finances as a couple to going it alone, you will need to develop a resilient, flexible strategy to prevent yourself running short of funds in the future. This will also help you to cope with the unexpected. A holistic financial planning service is the way forward, whether you need to reorganise your finances now, want to establish a new financial plan for the future or make sure your plan is adaptable to any future changes. Here is how you can tackle the situation in the most effective way:
Know What You’re Dealing With
If you’re facing an uncontested divorce or a default divorce, the process is more straightforward than a contested divorce, which can involve considerably more expense through court cases, barrister or solicitors’ bills and costly legal fees. A different plan will be needed in each case.
Take an Inventory
If you’re about to approach your spouse about a divorce or separation, make sure you have a plan about where you will live, and what your incomings and outgoings will be. Have a thorough idea of what your shared financial assets are, such as investment accounts, insurance policies and other assets (cars, houses, etc.)
As well as money for the lawyer and other associated legal fees, you will also need a financial cushion to help you move into a new house and deal with your living expenses. If you don’t, you might face the worst-case scenario of being forced to accept a divorce settlement that doesn’t fully compensate you or completely support your needs. Having a financial plan in place will equip you to ascertain what is rightfully yours.
Sort Out Your Paperwork and Create a Divorce File
Getting your finances in order means first getting all your paperwork organised. Taking copies of deeds, insurance policies and other important financial documents is a good start, and you should securely store account numbers for bank accounts, credit cards and car loans, investment accounts and retirement savings accounts. Be prepared for the splitting of your financial assets by starting a divorce file so you can easily get access to all the information you need.
Seek the Help of a Financial Adviser
To ensure that if something unexpected happens in the future, and your financial plan is not derailed, you need to find a highly-qualified adviser who specialises in estate planning, taxation and investments. A professional of this type will ensure that your estate is dealt with in a tax efficient manner and is protected for your family in the future. This needs to be someone who you can trust and who understands your needs. You can read our free guide to finding an adviser here: *Finding an adviser in a post RDR world.
Undertake Lifetime Cash-Flow Planning
This process will help you to clearly see how your new future looks from a financial perspective, allowing your adviser to identify opportunities and alert you to areas that require immediate attention. Your adviser will model and calculate your future financial needs, to help you understand the implications of different divorce settlements and outcomes. Working with your adviser, you will be able to identify how to make your money work harder for you, how to improve the pensions and investments you already have in place, and you will receive recommendations on the best strategy for your new future.
Efficient Portfolio help people to clarify their situations and equip them with the tools to build a new, successful future built around their individual goals. As the founder of this company, I provide detailed and bespoke financial guidance for couples navigating divorce with a view to the future they want to create for themselves – and for their now extended family. Just because you are divorcing or your family is ‘changing form’ doesn’t mean you can’t all have a bright future ahead.
People Don’t Plan to Fail, They Fail to Plan. We Want to Ensure You Don’t.
If you would like to meet with me to discuss your needs, I am delighted to be able to offer you a free initial consultation, called an Exploration Meeting. This is the first step of our unique process that will allow you to see how we work, understand your current situation and help you to explore what your financial future looks like. Normally charged at £197, this is free when you contact us through this site.
Contact us today on 01572 898060 or email@example.com to book your meeting.
“Charlie has been providing us with professional financial advice for over ten years. He has made complex and often confusing options easy to understand and has supported us to make the right decisions for us and our family as our circumstances change over time. I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend Charlie to others and have already done so with many favourable comments.”Helen & Chris Wada, Wimbledon
So don’t hold back on your dreams
contact us today to see how
Life Planning can enrich your future.
Call 01572 898060
This document is intended for informational purposes only and no action should be taken or refrained from being taken as a consequence of it without consulting a suitably qualified and regulated person. It does not constitute financial advice under the terms of the Financial Services and Markets Act 2000. It is not an offer to sell, or a solicitation of an offer to buy, the instruments described in this document. Past performance is not an indication of future performance. Interested parties are advised to contact the entity with which they deal, or the entity that provided this document to them, if they desire further information. The information in this document has been obtained or derived from sources believed by Efficient Portfolio Ltd to be reliable, but it does not represent that this information is accurate or complete. Any opinions or estimates contained in this document represent the judgement of Efficient Portfolio Ltd at this time, and are subject to change without notice. © 2016 Efficient Portfolio Ltd.
Fantastic news – and proof that sanity does eventually (begin to) prevail in the world of Divorce and Families: As a result of the Child First Campaign bringing the issue of survivors of domestic abuse being cross examined by their abusers in the family courts and the subsequent Guardian investigation into the issue, the Government have announced an emergency review to find the quickest way to ban abusive ex-partners from cross examining their victims.
Women’s Aid say that:
“This will go a long way to ensuring that survivors of domestic abuse are properly able to advocate for the safety of their children when in the family courts and ultimately will help to ensure that there are no further avoidable child deaths as a result of unsafe child contact.”
The President of the Family Division and Head of Family Justice, Sir James Munby has been key in helping make this review happen:
“I have expressed particular concern about the fact that alleged perpetrators are able to cross-examine their alleged victims, something that, as family judges have been pointing out for many years, would not be permitted in a criminal court. Reform is required as a matter of priority. I would welcome a bar…I am disappointed by how slow the response to these issues has been and welcome the continuing efforts by Women’s Aid to bring these important matters to wider public attention.”
The situation around domestic abuse is complex.
Divorce Recovery Coach Zina Arinze MIOEE has had personal experience of domestic abuse, and was one of the speakers at the Professional African Women speak out against Domestic Abuse and Violence conference in London on 15th of July 2016.
“Domestic violence, also called domestic abuse, includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse in couple relationships or between family members, including sadly, children.
It cuts across race, social economic class, gender and faith. And for Black women, dare I say Professional African women, it’s an even bigger problem. Research suggests that Black women are almost three times as likely to experience death as a result of DV than White women.
In addition, it is well documented that religious beliefs and negative views about mental health services also factor into why many Black women remain with abusive partners. African women in particular are more likely to rely on religious guidance and faith-based practices when working through relationship issues. And rightly or wrongly these religious beliefs often discourage divorce, encourage forgiveness and occasionally condemns those who seek mental health support/psychiatric help instead of relying on their faith. These as well as other factors have informed our perceptions of what constitutes abuse thereby greatly shaping our paradigms.” Zina Arinze: Post-Divorce Reinvention Queen
Women’s Aid will continue to work closely with the Government on this review and see that the voices of survivors are central to this work. But help is still needed, through continued support from the public through the petition to Justice Secretary, Rt Hon Liz Truss MP, to ensure that there are no further avoidable child deaths as a result of unsafe child contact with a known perpetrator of domestic abuse.
Claire Throssell, the Child First campaign spokeswoman, is going to be delivering the petition to Number 10 Downing Street on Wednesday 24th January. Women’s Aid want to ensure that the Government know that there are 50,000 people waiting to see what action they are going to take after the review and to ensure that the family courts are a safe space for survivors of domestic abuse. The petition currently stands at well over 36,000 signatures, and you can help to get the total up to 50,000 before 24th January by simply and quickly singing the petition online, and THEN sharing it widely with friends, family, colleagues and on social media to help to drive up that total.
Zina Arinze is a Post-Divorce Reinvention Coach and founder of www.believeandliveagain.com, which helps divorced women to regain their confidence, self-esteem and start living again.
Contact Zina now for a no-cost no-obligation conversation about how she can help you to believe and live and again!
US-Born Brynne Edelsten described her divorce as “nasty and brutal”, leading her to declare she “would never be friends” with the former Sydney Swans owner as she battled to finalise her financial settlement. But conflict creates stress – both financial and emotional – which is why divorce mediation could have made Brynne’s experience of divorce very different..
Samantha Jago, Divorce Mediator and Solicitor at RHW Solicitors, believes that the emotional, health and financial costs of divorce can be transformed by making a different choice, which is why she offers a Fixed-Fee Mediation service.
The stress of an unhappy marriage has knock-on effects on health and finances, often leading to poor eating habits and, sometimes, the need to take medication for depression – all of which can lead to weight gain. Socialite Brynne Edelsten revealed recently that she put on 20kgs during her marriage to Geoffrey Edelsten, which she managed to lose after the “hideous” split. She blamed the weight gain on the medication she was taking.
But her divorce seems to have been even more unhappy than her marriage – so although Brynne lost weight and boosted her self esteem as her divorce came to a close, she also lost many thousands in legal fees.
While for many, divorces are a painful process, calls for conflict-free divorce have been on the increase since the 1990s when moves to cut legal aid began. However, a government in austerity is focused on the short-term cost savings, often at the expense of fair settlements.
Amicable settlement is certainly something to aim for, but not at the cost of fairness, and seeking legal advice in the first place is still the best way to prevent long-term heartache – and choosing your mediator wisely.
Samantha comments that: “A MIAMs is compulsory before any Court application can be made in any event, so it is worth taking it one step further and booking in for a mediation session with your ex.”
Recent research has shown that the cost of legal services is plagued by a serious lack of transparency, and with the limited budget situation families face during separation, it’s important that they know from the outset that the costs of mediation will remain manageable. An unexpected large legal bill would only add to the stress of divorce and the negative health effects that can result.
In reality, mediation is not about making quick easy decisions that you will later regret. It is about creating a sustainable long-term agreement on how two people will now live separately – and if they have children, how they will continue to collaborate peacefully.
As an accredited family law specialist with both the Law Society and Resolution, Samantha offers a fixed fee mediation package with a clear cost structure which ensures that clients’ costs will not escalate out of control. In this way, clients can plan for what they can afford and how far they want to take the process. This frees up energy to focus on the legal issues during the sessions without worry about finances. Avoiding court action by using mediation sessions effectively can keep the legal aspects of the divorce to a minimum and support an overall holistic approach which in the long run reduces costs.
Samantha is a qualified family law mediator at RHW Solicitors Guildford, Surrey, regularly advises for the Surrey Law Centre at Guildford CAB. With Samantha’s services, you can achieve either a clean break divorce or negotiate your spousal maintenance, reducing the cost of divorce. As well as Fixed-Fee Mediation services, there is now also the unique opportunity to buy a holistic pack for divorce for all-round support. This includes initial sessions with key experts in their fields alongside the Divorce Mediation service.
Taking responsibility for one’s health post-divorce is great – but what about taking responsibility for the divorce itself – so it doesn’t end in a nasty way? Why suffer huge legal bills and experience a “nasty and brutal” divorce ending in a vow to “never be friends” – when there are better ways to get a divorce?
To take control of your divorce, contact Samantha
for a no-obligation conversation at
firstname.lastname@example.org or call on 01483 302 000