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5 Facts About Divorce

Posted by on 5:38 pm in Divorce & Starting Over TV, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, SOS Staring Over Show Divorce TV, Useful articles Wellbeing | 0 comments

5 Facts About Divorce


5 things you probably didn’t know about divorce – but should:




Keep things peaceful.  Learn how at the Best Way To Split Retreat (no couples!)

Click here to see more….



Will Dispute Resolution Put Its Money Where Its Mouth Is?

Posted by on 7:57 am in Blog 2, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Divorce News | 0 comments

Will Dispute Resolution Put Its Money Where Its Mouth Is?


How many times a year does a Divorce Show come to London?

Well the last time was 2011 (I remember because I was the one putting on the event – the Starting Over Show) but this year, an entrepreneur called Mr Smith O’Connor is running his own event in Kensington on 19-20 October, and I’ve signed up as an exhibitor (and been invited to be one of the keynote speakers) because let’s face it, how often do we get provided with a public platform in our own Capital City to promote the benefits of dispute resolution?

So my burning question is – will the DR professionals put their money where their mouth is and join me as fellow exhibitors?

Or will they continue to talk the talk, and not walk the walk?

In the interview below with New York State Mediator BJ Mann, I ask her why mediation has been such a roaring success in her district of Rochester and the answer was simple: Sharing of good practice, and investing in promotion (collaboratively).  The result is that (unofficial figures but a good guestimate) about 25% of divorcing couples access mediation in Rochester, Upper State New York – even though there is NO legal requirement for them to do so.

They don’t have the State incentives to stay out of court that we benefit from in the UK.  Yet – NFM recently reported in an article in the Westminster Legal Policy Forum that since Legal Aid cuts, the take-up for Mediation in the UK has significantly fallen.  So in the UK, people are not seeking out and choosing more peaceful options.  Quite the opposite – despite a requirement to at least find out about mediation before resorting to court.

So what will happen?  Will those Collaborative Lawyers who sit at Pod meetings talking about a method to divorce that the vast majority of the public have never even heard of, finally club together to have a stand at the two day Kensington event?

Will Mediation bodies – NFM, FMA et al – or the Mediation Council itself – combine forces to run a mediation role play to educate visitors, and by splitting the costs of exhibiting make the whole enterprise better value than any advertisement in a newspaper?

Will arbitrators be revealing to visitors to the event that family arbitration is a viable option and far far better than going to court?

Or will it be left to Divorce Strategist Suzy Miller – who is not a mediator, or a collaborative lawyer, or an arbitrator – to fly the dispute resolution flag alone, surrounded by exhibitors, some of whom are likely to be on a somewhat different wavelength?

Well, let’s see shall we?


To register for the brochure for The Divorce Show,

click this link:



Best Way To Divorce TV Interview With Divorce Mediator B J Mann

Posted by on 8:54 pm in Blog 9, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Divorce and Family Mediation, Divorce News, Useful articles Law | 0 comments

Best Way To Divorce TV Interview With Divorce Mediator B J Mann

How do you know if you marriage is over?

How can we let go of the marriage?

Why is mediation in Rochester USA thriving?

Interview with divorce mediator Bj Mann who shares how she helps her clients to work out whether they should be getting divorced at all, how to let go of the marriage and persuade the spouse to engage in mediation – and how mediation is thriving in her part of America….


You can find BJ Mann’s book by clicking here…

Educational Value – Add This To The Divorce Parenting Plan

Posted by on 3:35 pm in Article 2, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Useful articles Finance | 0 comments

Educational Value – Add This To The Divorce Parenting Plan

When divorcing, sometimes the children’s educational futures are not taken into account – especially if the children are still very young. But by discussing long-term plans for the children’s education early on in the divorce process, the financial implications could well impact on how a couple decide to split their assets.

A good education can be invaluable, but it may also require significant investment – and long-term planning.

In 2016, the average cost to parents of getting a child from birth to the age of 21 came in at £231,843, according to a study compiled by the Centre for Economics and Business Research in London.1

Although the total includes £74,430 for education, this covers no more than associated costs such as travelling to school, text books, uniform and school lunches. Once parents start considering private school fees, the financial equation changes rapidly.

Sending a child to a private day school now costs, on average, £141,863 according to the Centre for Economics and Business Research – almost two thirds the cost of the average UK home.2   The total for boarding school is £260,927, even more than the average house. Inevitably, these headline figures mask significant regional differences.

Moreover, private school costs have been rising at a rapid rate, far outpacing wage growth and inflation. Private school education now costs more than double what it cost in the year 2000.3While a portion of boarding school fees can represent cost transfers (e.g. food and sports clubs) or even cost savings (e.g. school runs and childcare), a quick comparison with the average cost of bringing up a child shows how much extra it is costing parents who choose to invest in this way.

Battle for the classroom

Yet it hasn’t put parents off. In fact, despite the rate at which costs are increasing, there is a record number of children at private schools, according to the Independent Schools Council (ISC).4 Almost 523,000 pupils currently attend 1,301 ISC schools, the highest level since records began in 1974. In short, although costs are spiralling, more and more parents are sending their children to UK private schools.

How, then, is it possible to turn an expensive aspiration into a reality?“Providing a good education can be one of the most valuable gifts parents or grandparents give to children,” says Andrew Humphries, Private Client Director at St. James’s Place. “While the financial implications can be daunting, the key to affording school fees is to plan as early as you can. For many, inheritance or income will provide the main source of funding, but saving soon after a child is born can help to build a fund over ten years, ready for when they go to senior school.”

Putting the money into a savings account doesn’t offer much potential for capital growth and is unlikely to be the best solution for building a fund for school fees – all the more so when the Bank of England rate is 0.25% and inflation is 2.9%.5 An alternative route to cash is investing the money in stocks and shares. Yet that means taking on additional risk and therefore requires investors to adopt a longer time horizon. Historically, however, returns from stocks and shares have outperformed cash.

Working out how best to invest for school fees involves determining your own attitude to risk, your investment timeframe and the way in which you plan to pay for them.

“Generally, parents looking to fund school fees fall into three categories – those who want to invest a lump sum, those who would pay out of income, and parents willing to set up a regular savings scheme to provide funds to cover future fees,” says Humphries. “There are several options available to help make school fees more affordable – and they can be both tax-efficient and flexible.”

One such option is using your annual ISA allowance, which permits tax-efficient contributions of up to £20,000. But with a myriad of options available, seeking the right investment strategy is not easy. Doing your homework and seeking out trusted, expert advice is, as always, the key to long-term success.

In East Sussex, including Brighton, one of those financial experts available to chat through the different options is Financial Planner Nigel Rowland of Rowland Financial Planning.

Nigel Rowland Divorce Financial Advice Sussex


“It’s important to keep the children in mind when planning your financial future – especially when going through a divorce. With careful planning, the children’s education doesn’t have to suffer.”






The value of an investment with St. James’s Place will be directly linked to the performance of the funds selected and the value may fall as well as rise. You may get back less than the amount invested.

The favourable tax treatment given to ISAs may not be maintained in the future, as they are subject to changes in legislation.

Rowland Financial Planning represents only St. James’s Place Wealth Management plc (which is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority) for the purpose of advising solely on the group’s wealth management products and services, more details of which are set out on the group’s website at

Can’t See The Trees For The Forest: The Westminster Legal Policy Forum

Posted by on 1:19 pm in Blog 13, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Divorce News | 0 comments

Can’t See The Trees For The Forest: The Westminster Legal Policy Forum

The 2018 Westminster Policy Forum was, for me, like walking through a forest of information, good ideas, and a genuine commitment to supporting everyone in our society at every economic level.  There was a call for policies focused on prevention rather than just ‘coping strategies’ – but an overriding sense of hopelessness pervaded the forest, as some of the speakers grappled with the illogicality of short-term fiscal thinking.

When it came to the modernisation and improvement of the HM Courts and Tribunals Service, both Adam Lennon – who is leading this technological revolution of the way people divorce, and Dr Elizabeth Gibby, Deputy Director of the Family Justice Policy Division at the MOJ – both spoke with some excitement about the progress being made.  However, I was left with the distinct impression that the Forum speakers were not so much ‘not seeing the wood for the trees’ – I came away thinking that even though they must be continually bumping into the trees, they are actually ignoring that the trees are there at all.

So what I am I getting at here?

Trees are pretty obvious things, and you would expect them to be visible and taken into account.  Yet responses to some of my questions to the panels during the day revealed to me how perhaps the structures that drive legal change, are missing the point.  Bumping into the trees, as if they weren’t there, rather than seeing opportunities in their path.

Let’s take the online divorce process that is being carefully created, making the whole experience less confusing and arduous for couples navigating the system. 

Well, when you scrap legal aid for most people who are divorcing they will need to do more themselves, won’t they – so yes, it makes sense to de-clutter the process now lawyers are not always going to be filling in the forms on divorcing people’s behalf.  And the idea of moving forwards and making the process of creating financial and parenting agreements easier to do online, seems obvious enough.  Except, that is where the situation becomes fraught with dangers.  Massive great big gnarly ones with wide reaching branches, and spiky dog roses intertwined.  Looking lovely to the casual observer, but hiding ferocious prickles that get stuck under your skin when you get too close.

To focus on legal matters divorced from the human reality of family separation, is like clearing a path through a forest with a lawn mower, and trying to pretend there are no trees in the way. 

Creating a system that believes financial agreements can be done through an online form, or parenting arrangements made without any access or encouragement to at least have a chat with a skilled financial expert or parenting guide as part of that journey, is like chopping down the trees so you can get your mower through. Only now you have ruddy great trunks lying everywhere and it’s not even possible to see your way out of the forest.

As a divorce strategist, I spend much of my time explaining very simple ideas that no-one else seems to have mentioned to my clients before.  Their lawyers (assuming they have found the courage to speak to a lawyer yet, scared of the potential for escalating costs) have not told them what a financial planner is, and how they could provide valuable insight into the financial options of splitting assets from very early on in the divorce process, and often charging nothing for an initial consultation.  They are misled by their friends and even their therapists and healers, so quick to agree with them that their Ex is indeed probably a narcissist, and that obviously mediation won’t work because it’s too ‘fluffy’.  Of course, none of these friends or therapists or healers have ever actually experienced mediation or know very much about it.  So making sure my clients understand the benefits of a peaceful approach that they seem to not have quite taken in during their MIAMS, is par for the course.

So even with real people involved instead of swift, simplified online processes, the divorce situation for many is often confusing, messy and downright misleading. 

So would we be better off with less people involved and more online forms?

About as well off as chopping down all the trees and getting stuck in the chaos of our own making. 

The questions I asked at the seminar were around how to prepare people for divorce BEFORE they start using the forms. I suggested that the parts of the online process, where people stop and don’t seem to be able to continue – the moments that are being carefully measured and noted as part of the proficient testing of the system – that those could be the moments where people discover that planning their own and their children’s financial future is just not coming together whilst filling in boxes online.  Or that the parenting arrangements form doesn’t deal with the emotional impact of not being able to tell bedtime stories to their children every night, because they live in a different house.  My suggestion, that at these points that some access to relevant professionals and free video resources to help divorcing parents in particular to access the additional help they may need, was met with a “we are open to all good ideas”. 

But surely, this isn’t a ‘good idea’ that’s just floating around, like a leaf on the breeze? Shouldn’t it already be part of the very architecture of an online system?

Men, women, children, grandparents, extended families, work colleagues, friends – are all inextricably bound in the complex eco-structure of family separation.  You cannot mow your way through them trying to pretend they are not there.

The sense of hopelessness that I mentioned at the outset was not mine.  It came from Cafcass and Women’s Aid and Families Need Fathers and other outstanding organisations as they decried the culture of ‘coping’ over any intelligent preventative policies that funding inexplicably does not seem to be available for.  Inexplicable, because if you look ahead to 20 years, the ultimate savings to the economy, society and to people’s lives, are clear cut. 

Yet the insanity of short-term thinking prevails.  The hopelessness of this situation that pervades every level of our nation, was in stark contrast to the excitement of the online system.  As if we could solve everything by making the small administrative aspect of divorce (a tiny aspect overall) easier to fill in. 

The idea that key information, video content and professionals prepared to offer initial guidance – or even retreats where individuals access the emotional and practical preparation required to have a successful and largely peaceful divorce (that question of whether this would be of benefit was barely registered and answers were ‘off track’ – as if the very suggestion was beyond comprehension) – those ideas may seem other-worldly to the legal mechanisms that still view divorce as an administrative process that needs simply to be made less confusing. 

How many trees do they have to bump into before they open their eyes and see what the rest of us see – the children self-harming due to their parents acrimonious divorce; the suicide rate for men in particular rising post-divorce; the financial hardship after thousands are spent in court battles to create settlements that could have been decided in a few mediation sessions if only the participants had truly understood the benefits of staying out of court?

I can see the trees. 

If you’ve ever experienced family separation, I suspect you can too.

Suzy Miller

Divorce Strategist

Divorce Strategy


Suzy Miller is the UK’s unique ‘Alternative Divorce Guide’, A Divorce Strategist, Public Speaker and Trainer, featured on Radio 4 Women’s Hour, the Daily Mail and C5’s The Vanessa Show.  Suzy provides free online resources and physical retreats to help families navigate divorce in more peaceful ways.


Posted by on 12:51 pm in Blog 14, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Poems: Divorce & Separation, Short Stories | 0 comments



“Trust in the Law” they say


As if Family Law is a clear set of rules


A trustworthy shuttle from one island of family form into another


No room for reasonable doubt.


What Law has the right


To say when a father sees his child?


What Law can slice Solomon-like through family homes?


Savings for a future now altered?


A parent’s precious hours with those whom they value more


Than any building or bank account?


Is that our excuse to children now grown in years to come?


As we beg forgiveness for the parental spite


The wrenching apart


The money wasted


Will we meekly say in our defence: “We trusted in the Law”?


Could we not have chosen instead


To trust in ourselves?



Is a 50-50 divorce split really what you think it is? Paula Ryan explains:

Posted by on 8:52 pm in Article 1, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, expertise, Useful articles Finance | 0 comments

Is a 50-50 divorce split really what you think it is? Paula Ryan explains:


Is a 50-50 uncomplicated divorce split really as simple as you think it should be?


Financial Planner Paula Ryan answers that question:



Certainly if you are looking to sort out the divorce finances yourselves, it may be worth having a quick ‘coffee chat’ with me, so we can look at the tax implications, the best way to split the assets, and also looking at the pensions.

It’s not always as simple as splitting pensions half and half.  It might not look as if you have that much in the pension pot – but what matters is how you utilise that going forwards and getting the best outcome financially in the longer term.  A longer term view – using a financial plan based on cash flow forecasting, is a good way to achieve this.

I also encourage divorcing clients to look at the protection they will need. What happens if you pass away or your spouse passes away? Having a check list and talking it through all eventualities, making sure you have covered every angle and thought about the implications, is time well spent.

Other questions I help clients find answers to are: “why might I not get that mortgage?”, “how do I avoid that tax bill I might not need to pay if we structured things differently, as my tax liabilities change depending on my marriage status?”

You might think it’s just 50/50, right down the middle.  But finances can be quite complex, and a simplistic approach may not leave both the couple who are divorcing with the best options.  They may have property portfolios, and overseas investments.

A simple clean cut down the middle approach, may not take account of long term rental incomes, or potential growth at a certain point.  Keeping properties or businesses in joint ownership with a legal agreement in place, might be a better solution. Short term implications must be weighed against the long term effects on the children, the tax situation etc.

Taking a more sophisticated, long-term approach still allows a couple to get divorced, whilst at the same time separating the assets at the point when it’s best for everyone concerned, with a clear legal agreement in place to ensure that no-one changes their minds later on!


The value of an investment with St. James’s Place will be directly linked to the performance of the funds you select and the value can therefore go down as well as up. You may get back less than you invested.


The first meeting is a no obligation financial review

07841 342387


Paula Ryan Divorce Financial Expert West Sussex


Paula Ryan DipPFS

Paula Ryan Wealth Management

Tel: 01293 553297

Mobile: 07841 342387






The Partner Practice represents only St. James’s Place Wealth Management plc (which is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority) for the purpose of advising solely on the Group’s wealth management products and services, more details of which are set out on the Group’s website The ‘St. James’s Place Partnership’ and the titles ‘Partner’ and ‘Partner Practice’ are marketing terms used to describe St. James’s Place representatives.


The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Divorcing

Posted by on 9:54 pm in Blog 1, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles | 0 comments

The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Divorcing


Step 1:  Accept that you might go a little crazy


It’s OK, we’ve all gone a bit mad during one of the most stressful and emotionally gruelling experiences known to man – family breakup.  The trick is, don’t let your insanity destroy your finances, your family relationships and your health.  All three are at dire risk – so take out your anger and emotional pain on inanimate objects.  Shout and cry a long way away from the children.  Counsellors can offer a totally non-judgemental ear which is useful for a time – but don’t get locked into a ‘victim-mindset’ and just use therapy as a way to feel temporarily better.

This is a very good time to learn about meditation, to take up yoga – and kickboxing. 


Step 2:  Create resilience in your family


Your family is NOT broken.  It is evolving into an extended family. Hold that thought – even when the ex-in-laws are ‘taking sides’, even when your spouse is transformed into a monstrous narcissistic ogre, even when you just want to get on a plane and get as far away from it all as possible.

Don’t pretend the kids aren’t suffering.  Give them access to counselling/play therapy/happy times.

Most of all, give them YOUR time.  And never, ever (unless there is GENUINE physical or emotional danger) deny them access to the other parent.  Even if that has to be in a contact centre, or with mutual friends acting as guardians.  The kids didn’t choose this divorce so don’t make them pay the full price for it.

Children want you to be happy.  Both of you. So it’s your job to find a way to be happy again – and that is not in the arms of another person.  It’s about doing some self-development work on yourself – or spending more time at the local spa or on holiday.

Life Coaches can also help to keep you focused and sane.



Step 3:  Stay as far away from courtrooms as you possibly can.


Your imagined ‘Day In Court’ will get delayed and cut short and the judge may be a fantastic authority on Conveyancing but somewhat busking-it on the financial wranglings of Family Law.  And they are busy and don’t really want you to be there, and you need to have tried to access mediation first – so why not just try a little harder to make that work because you’ll lose less time off work, less sleep stressed out (going to court is no picnic) and YOU will both be in control of the divorce – not some judge who doesn’t know you or your family.  Why hand over the power of the decision-making to a complete stranger?

And what if your spouse is the one trying to drag you into court and ignoring the benefits of Mediation or other forms of dispute resolution such as Collaborative Law

Get some guidance.  Have a Divorce Strategy Session (100% refund after the session).



Step 4:  Don’t dive into the financial aspects of divorce before you have done some homework.


No need to panic – you really don’t need to suddenly do some online accountancy training.  Just have a free no-obligation conversation with a financial planner.  No, they aren’t the IFAs who just do mortgages and insurances (though they can help you with that as well) – Financial Planners help you cashflow forecast into the future and make intelligent financial decisions for you and for your family.

You can access cost-free no-obligation conversations with Financial Planners here….



Step 5: Keep focused on what really matters

I’ve known people cite the Miele hoover as part of the spoils of war in a divorce battle.  Seriously.  And we all know people fight over their pets (even kidnap them if they think the judgement might go against them).  Yet they will sometimes forget about the impact of a parental war on their children (self-harming amongst kids whose parents are adversarial is not uncommon), or they will fail to do their sums and not notice that the legal fees have soared above £30,000 is a matter of weeks – and maybe this isn’t the best way to go?

Don’t listen to negative people who encourage you to be adversarial – focus on what really matters.



Step 6: Stay off the drugs – and that includes sex

Yes, it’s very tempting to drink away the misery, party every night and find solace in the arms of someone as traumatised as you are. But just don’t do it. 

What you really need are long hot baths, crying whilst listening to sad music (very therapeutic – but real big sobs and possible wailing. No self-pitying blubbering) and long calls on the phone to patient friends who just listen and don’t give advice.

Allow time to process and heal – and cry.  It’s OK – it’s normal.



Step 7: Hold The Space


A peaceful route for divorce is not ‘fluffy’. It takes vision, guts and determination.  But every time you look at your children, or wider family and those affected by your divorce on all kinds of levels – it will be worth it for them.

And one day you will wake up to realise that you saved at least £65,000 by not fighting it out in court, and you have the skill to negotiate with your Ex on an ongoing basis, because whatever water may be under that bridge as far as you are both concerned, you made it through without destroying the last shreds of mutual dignity and potential for respect that lies ahead of you.

And what’s the biggest gun in your divorce arsenal to help you ‘hold the space’ for a more peaceful divorce?



Suzy Miller is a Divorce Strategist who helps to prepare divorcing clients for a more peaceful journey through divorce.   Suzy has collaborated with the MOJ in promoting dispute resolution, she is an affiliate member of the Family Mediators’ Association, has written for the Daily Mail and been featured in many national magazines and appeared on BBC Breakfast TV, Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour and C5’s The Vanessa Show.


Free Divorce Resources are available for download at

How A Divorce PA Can Help You Have A Better Divorce

Posted by on 6:18 pm in Article 14, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles | 0 comments

How A Divorce PA Can Help You Have A Better Divorce

“It doesn’t have to be like this, David” I said to my new, overwrought client who was desperately scanning through his emails for the details of the expensive, litigious, “big gun” London solicitor that his friend had recommended.

“It’ll make this situation even harder for you, and cost a fortune… why not work with a mediator?”

At the time, David was too upset to even open the post after the recent departure of his wife.  But over the ensuing weeks, as we worked through each situation, letter and piece of paperwork and a degree of calm and control returned to his life, we talked through the options.

The fear receded as each admin hurdle was overcome and the previously terrifying mountain of problems and paperwork was brought into line.  Letters were written and payment plans agreed, and once David realised that he was not powerless in every aspect of his life he began to see that a big fight and having his day in court were unlikely to lead to any future satisfaction or benefit.

This is all part of my work as a Divorce PA. It is a unique role in which I hand-hold my clients through their divorce admin, helping them deal with all the many practical and psychological consequences of a divorce, and introducing them to relevant professionals if they need them.

Soon David also calmed down enough to realise that his previously envisaged angry-divorce route would leave an even more major dent in his finances than a mediation-based one.

His wife’s position changed too. At the beginning, overwhelmed with the enormity of her departure, she wouldn’t countenance seeing him, but over time she began to see that mediation might work.

She’s now agreed to shuttle mediation – the first session is booked and I’m hopeful that after a few of those sessions they’ll both conclude that the mediator offers a safe space for both of them and will be able to progress to being in the room together with the mediator to streamline their progress to a fairly agreed conclusion.

For me, the satisfaction in seeing the transformation in my client from fear and overwhelm to focus and direction was enormous.  And knowing that I had been able to offer a different, constructive, and impartial perspective on his predicament and the options available to support him through this change in his life was a very real bonus.

Andrea Cater

07540 123132

Child-Centred Divorce Month Worldwide

Posted by on 4:07 pm in Divorce Advice, Event 6, press releases | 0 comments

Child-Centred Divorce Month Worldwide

Press Release

Local Divorce Expert Supports Child-Centered Divorce Month

in January With Advice, Support and Resources

For Parents Coping With Divorce

Does Divorce Scar Children – Or Do Poor Parenting Choices Do the Damage?

Forest Row, East Sussex: That’s the question Suzy Miller has been answering along with Rosalind Sedacca, who for the past decade as Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, has been campaigning for children to become the focus of divorce, instead of parents fighting over the finances.

Based in East Sussex, but providing UK-wide access to Dispute Resolution professionals, Suzy speaks out for children of divorce. She helps parents understand how divorce affects children, connecting them to parenting experts, so they avoid mistakes and make better post-divorce parenting decisions.

To commemorate International Child-Centered Divorce Month the entire month of January is devoted to alerting parents about crucial single parenting and co-parenting issues to safeguard the wellbeing of their children during and long after a separation or divorce.

Divorce solicitors, mediators, therapists, financial planners, coaches and parenting experts provide complimentary educational material for parents, including ebooks, coaching services, videos, audio programs and other valuable resources. Parents who are contemplating divorce, divorcing or transitioning after divorce can access this material at a special website available throughout January:

Parents will also find listings of free workshops, expert interviews and other special events during January on the Events Calendar at the same website.

Divorce Strategist Suzy Miller will be providing complimentary access to her Best Way To Divorce Infographic and video on how to get started with a peaceful DIY or Self-Managed divorce.

“My children’s father had left and I was terrified at how I was going to survive financially – and emotionally,”  Miller explains. “I had no idea what to do next or how to handle the situation. Since then, I’ve mastered the art of being a ‘divorce strategist’ and helping others in a similar predicament to find a peaceful way through family change. I’ve collaborated with the Ministry Of Justice. I’ve been on BBC Breakfast TV and Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour. I’ve even written about a ‘good divorce’ for the Daily Mail.

I now guide divorcing individuals using my strategic approach so that they can discover everything they need to create a healthy divorce, including a tailored plan, access to options they currently may not know even exist, and introductions to some of the best experts in their fields to support them.  I believe that peaceful divorce is possible but only when couples have the right access to the information and inspiration that they need – and putting the children first is definitely one of the key strategies they need to employ.”

Another example of the resources available, comes from Azmaira Maker, PhD, author of Family Changes, a book for young children explaining divorce, which is offered as a complimentary ebook: 10 Golden Rules Protecting Children From Divorce Tug-of-Wars. Maker says, “Parents wonder if there are any buffers to minimize the potentially debilitating effects of divorce. So I provide guidelines for parents and a voice for children through my book and tips.”

Rosalind Sedacca, who initiated Child-Centered Divorce Month, is Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! She is also the host of the Divorced, Dating & Empowered Living radio show and podcast.

“Our purpose is education and mistake prevention.” Sedacca says. “We want to encourage respectful co-parenting, teach effective communication skills, and guide parents away from litigation and toward collaboration, and cooperative, mediated solutions whenever possible,” 

During January, for International Child-Centered Divorce Month, parents and divorce professionals can access all the complimentary resources and special events taking place by visiting:


Suzy Miller is the UK’s unique ‘Alternative Divorce Guide’, A Divorce Strategist, Public Speaker and Trainer, featured on Radio 4 Women’s Hour, the Daily Mail and C5’s The Vanessa Show.  Suzy shares free divorce resources at

Phone on 07525 059 634




Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce

561 742-3537/561 385-4205

Author: How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?

Founder, Child-Centered Divorce Network

High Res Images Available On Request


“I should buy the Mediator Christmas presents every year”

Posted by on 3:24 pm in Blog 2, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Shared Stories, Useful articles Law | 0 comments

“I should buy the Mediator Christmas presents every year”

Robert went through years of conflict in order to be able to see his children after a bitter divorce, and despite having to go to court on more than one occasion, mediation was what finally helped end those years of stress and misery.

Robert, his wife and the children all suffered physical and mental repercussions due to the stress, but Robert’s experience proves that even if one party insists on using the courts, if you can remain calm and focused, a healthy end result can be achieved, since it’s never too late to tap into using mediation.

In this podcast, Robert shares some of his story:

Robert is currently training to become a Mediator himself, and he supports other fathers via the national charity Families Need Fathers.  Through his own experiences, and those of others he has supported via the Families Need Fathers helpline, Robert has noticed how little support there is from Government for parents.

“Essentially, it’s much better for all the family if parents work together for their children’s benefit rather than to work against each other in the courts. The best way to support children is for their parents to be supportive of each other. The problem is that immediately after separation it’s more likely separating parents will be feeling very sore and wanting to score ‘hits’ over the other rather than being in the mood for cooperation!

Loss of communication, and therefore trust (or vice versa), is often the reason relationships fail. For effective collaboration post family breakdown it is essential to rebuild that communication and trust. Mediators are there to facilitate that process and play an essential part in helping children of broken families escape relatively unscathed by their parent’s misfortunes. There does have to be a will for success on both sides for mediation to be effective though, and this can be very hard to achieve.

A great proportion of parents in broken families come from broken families themselves, and so it goes on through generation to generation. One parent I spoke to said he’d been stopped seeing his children after he’d stuffed a bar of soap in his son’s mouth when he was being naughty – just as his parents did to him as a child. All he wanted to do now was to learn to be a good parent, but parenting courses offered were so expensive there was no chance he could afford them. Lots of government education advertising on what we should eat and drink, smoking etc, but not a lot on the importance of good parenting. Children learn parenting skills from their parents, so if their parents are lacking, generally speaking, their children will be as well.”


Is Your Soon-To-Be-Ex An Idiot?

Posted by on 10:28 pm in Blog 4, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Divorce Advice FAQs, Divorce and Family Mediation, divorce arbitration, Q & A: Divorce Questions Answered, What Do You Mean You Want A F***ing Divorce? | 0 comments

Is Your Soon-To-Be-Ex An Idiot?

I’m going to bust a divorce myth that makes a mockery of any sane divorce strategy. It’s the one called: “Oh no, my husband/wife won’t use mediation.”

Now stay with me on this, because you’re smart, right? And you don’t want to be making a mistake believing in a myth that could cost you thousands, and many years of strife?

There has to be a divorce strategy that will work better than believing in myths?

Let me explain:

Your spouse might currently be making mediation impossible – but think about it for a minute:  If they were in their right mind, they would know that coming to an agreement with the help of a mediator compared to endless solicitors letters, court battles and years of suffering both financially and emotionally – well, only an idiot would go for the court option, wouldn’t they?

But it may be that your spouse is currently not in their right mind, because perhaps they don’t even realise how stupid they are being, because they don’t have anyone telling them the full truth of the situation. To be honest, their current divorce strategy is pretty lame.

But now they have you.  Because you’re intelligent, and you know that it’s pretty obvious that spending vast amounts of money on legal fees just to get to a worse outcome (because now you have less to share as you’ve donated so much to the law firms) – well that doesn’t make sense on any level, does it? 

Not if there are better ways to come to the same agreement. 

And you know this now, so you’re not going to keep it a secret, are you?

And anyway, you wouldn’t have married an idiot, would you?  Because you’re smart, and whatever else you might feel about your spouse right now, you know for a fact that they are not stupid. Just temporarily misguided and ill-informed.

So what’s the real problem with the ‘won’t use mediation’ myth?  The real problem is, that you actually believed it.

Only not anymore. 

Now you can clearly see how only a complete fool would choose court battles over a peaceful mediated solution; or the option of using collaborative lawyers who keep you out of court; or even an arbitrator if you just can’t agree and need a ‘private judge’ to make the decision for you.  These are all sensible divorce strategies, available to you right now.

So what do you do whilst your spouse is temporarily insane?

All you need to do is continue to assume that your spouse will wake up at some point and be back in their right mind.  Because if they don’t, that makes them a complete prat, and you didn’t marry a fool, did you?

So to speed up their return to sanity, you can say things like:


“Look, if you want to drag this into court and spend thousands on lawyers and barristers which could have been spent on your children’s university fees, go ahead.  Meanwhile – because I’m smart – I’ll self-represent with minimal legal back up at a fraction of the cost because I don’t want to waste money better kept for our kids.


And I’ll keep holding the door open for mediation or any form of sensible sane dispute resolution that you are willing to engage in. And any judge will be unimpressed by your decision to fight, whilst I am visibly and constantly holding out a better way to divorce, a more peaceful one, so the judge may also think you are being a bit of a twat. 
Eventually those voices in your head (lawyers; mates down the pub; more lawyers) will be replaced by the blindingly obvious fact that their advice is largely unhelpful, unless they are telling you to stay out of court.  Which from what I’ve heard, seems to be unlikely.


So I’ll just hold this space for you whilst you return to your rightful thinking, because it’s really hard for you to fight a battle when your opponent is consistently suggesting sitting down with the peace pipe or other out-of-court solutions. 
In fact, as the ‘war’ progresses, you will look increasingly silly, like some manic despot firing a rifle at the stars on an empty battlefield, while I’m in the Cafeteria biding my time till you return to your senses.  I know that you will, because I didn’t marry an idiot.  And I’m prepared to hold onto that belief until you come back to yourself again.  I’ll hold that space for you.”

What if I married a narcissist or an abuser?

If you married a total narcissist who is using the court system to abuse you emotionally and financially, the common belief is that dispute resolution is not going to work.  But narcissists love the family law system.  It’s their playground.  If you go into battle with someone who lacks empathy and who is prepared to destroy their children to ‘win’ in court, then you don’t stand a chance in hell if you take up arms in court to fight against them.

I’m not saying that you won’t ever need to use the courts to clarify certain boundaries.  But it doesn’t make sense to use it as a knee-jerk reaction because that’s what everyone tells you to do because ‘dispute resolution won’t work with narcissists’. Apparently.  

What’s important, is that you have to be smarter than them (or get help from other people who are smarter than them).  Those people may need to use aspects of legal enforcement to clarify boundaries (Restraining orders, Child Contact orders for example) in order to make sure your spouse knows where the boundaries lie.

But even a narcissist doesn’t want to spend thousands on a financial agreement if they don’t need to – it’s just that they need to be right.  So if you use Collaborative Law to stay out of court and to come to an agreement, you may want a specialist coach (a specialist in dealing with narcissists) sitting by your side during the negotiations.  And you might want to make sure that these Collaborative Lawyers have undergone some training in dealing with these ‘unreasonable’ clients.

So it’s not impossible to make use of dispute resolution in such cases, but you might need a bit of court time at certain points, and a trained team to support you.  Or you can just spend years battling it out in court.  It’s up to you.

“Can’t use dispute resolution in domestic abuse cases” I hear you cry.

Well, that’s what people say –  and you can get legal aid for a solicitor if there is abuse (depending on your income) because the assumption is that mediation won’t be appropriate.  Well conventional mediation won’t be.  But what about the other ways of mediating?

If you follow the standard guidance, you will end up in court.  And that means, you could end up (at the time of writing) in court with your abusive partner self-representing and having a great time telling all kinds of tales about you, in front of you, and the judge.

Or – (what a shame if no-one mentioned it as an option) – you can conduct mediation from a room where your spouse cannot enter, with the mediator shuttling back and forth.  Or via the internet, in a safe location. Perhaps with a cup of tea and a supportive friend or coach or therapist by your side.  Would that scenario not hold out more benefits than being in the same court room, potentially being publicly questioned by the very person who has abused you in the past?

I am not trying to pretend that any solution is going to be easy.  I’m not trying to undermine those therapists and mediators who ascertain that mediation and other forms of dispute resolution is not appropriate if abuse or narcissism is involved.  What I’m saying is that the alternative of court is surely no better if rated on the level of stress and trauma that the abused person may undergo during the experience, so why not at least explore the possibility of alternatives?

Because abusers and narcissists are not all idiots. So why decide on their behalf to only have court as an option and leave them the single choice of the playground of a conventional adversarial system?

And what fuels my confusion with why so many – including mediators themselves – are so quick to dismiss more creative forms of dispute resolution when one spouse clearly ticks the ‘narcissist’ or ‘abuser’ tick box, is how rarely they offer any other solutions at all. Just going to war.

Why doesn’t anyone ever mention family arbitration?  Where a trained specialist arbitrator with often far more knowledge of the family law system than many judges in a family law court, and more time to get to know a couple’s particular case, can make the final decisions for those couples who are unable to come to agreement themselves.  No court.  No drawn-out litigation.  Just a fee to the arbitrator and the job is done.

Fighting in court is like pointing nukes at each other and believing that this is a viable way to end a dispute.  Wars are not ended by both sides nuking each other, partly because there is nothing left for either of them after the battle (which does happen in some divorces) – but because only an idiot would think that responding to a hostile attack by being equally hostile, actually works.

Most wars end because one side becomes so exhausted and fed up that they capitulate.  And they don’t just end with the financial order from the judge.  Those angry divorces can keep on going back to court or fighting terrorist actions, using the children as ammunition, for years. 

And what kind of a valiant victory is that?  “Yay kids!  I’ve worn daddy down to a shadow of his former self, pushed him almost to suicide and now he can no longer afford to have you guys stay over because he lives in a bedsit in a dodgy part of town.  What a victory!”

I don’t think the kids will see that as much of a victory, do you?

How do countries that have been at war for years find a resolution?  The kind of resolution that leads to long term peace?

They create a Peace Treaty.

People who create peace treaties are generally heralded as brave, visionary, moral.  They are rarely accused of being an idiot.

How can friends, families and colleagues support others who are embarking on an adversarial divorce?

The next time you hear someone claim that their soon-to-be-ex won’t use some form of dispute resolution, which is essentially the creation of a full-on peace treaty, ask them: “Is your spouse an idiot?”

But the real questions should be (though you won’t dare to ask it):

“If you believe that they won’t use dispute resolution, then you must believe they are an idiot.  Why don’t you educate them?  Why don’t you hold out that opportunity – which can be opted into at any point?”


It’s never too late to change course for the better. Never too late to re-assess your divorce strategy.  Isn’t it better to create your own Peace Treaty rather than to watch your soon-to-be-ex behave like a fool, and to convince yourself that there is no other option, without even trying those other options out?”

It only takes one person to stay sane to change everything.

Are you ready to be that person?




Suzy Miller is a Divorce Strategist who helps to prepare divorcing clients for a more peaceful journey through divorce.

Dating Advice from Karen Marshall podcast interview

Posted by on 8:31 pm in Divorce & Starting Over TV, Divorce Advice | 0 comments

Dating Advice from Karen Marshall podcast interview

Dating and Relationship Coach Karen Marshall shares some handy dating advice with me prior to going off to a dating event.
Having not dated for some time, I’m not the easiest subject to advise, but I found Karen’s guidance very useful.  I did remember not to ask any of the chaps about their Ex partners/wives, despite revealing myself to be a Divorce Strategist.  And I did remember to mostly just enjoy the evening and felt more confident than I would have if I hadn’t had the session beforehand.
Noticing body language is not something I’d really thought about before – or spending more time not just listening – but observing the other people.  Do they make eye-contact?  Are they comfortable in themselves?  I tend to make excuses for people, thinking “oh, they are shy”.  But I don’t want to date a 5o year old man who hasn’t learn to become more sure of himself.  We’re not teenagers!
I guess it’s about focus and remembering to not judge, but to ‘take note’ of behaviour or aspects that would indicate a less than ideal person to potentially date.  The conversation with Karen allowed me to stand back and really think about what I want, what I don’t want, but to still approach the event in a positive way.”  Suzy Miller


Anchor – Best Way To Divorce

Listen to Anchor audio from Best Way To Divorce: Suzy Miller Divorce Strategist as seen on BBC Breakfast TV, Womans Hour, Times, Telegraph, Daily Mail etc

image: karen marshall divorce coach relationship coach and dating coach bucks SL windsor marlow

For a FREE 30 minute no obligation Introduction Call contact Karen on:  

07590 221951 or email

KM-Logo-karen marshall divorce coach relationship coach and dating coach surrey GU

Should I Hire A Hit Man For My Ex?

Posted by on 10:08 pm in Blog 6, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Divorce Advice FAQs | 0 comments

Should I Hire A Hit Man For My Ex?

One of the questions a divorcing person might sometimes ask is:

“Should I hire a hit man for my Ex?”

Well, there’s two ways to read that question.

One is – give your ex a present of a hit man because perhaps you know someone they don’t like very much (hopefully not you!?)

The second is, getting divorced can be very stressful and I know for a fact that some perfectly nice people have had that thought pass through their mind at least once when things were getting really tricky.

But apart from the high cost of hiring a hit man, and trying to find a good one (I mean how to choose?) and the high risk of a lifetime of imprisonment, the biggest issue is that eliminating the ‘other parent’ is not great for the kids.


pistol-divorce advice should I hire a hit man for my ex


There are better ways to resolve co-parenting issues and I’d like to tell you all about them in my Unique Best Way To Divorce Video Course which includes the DIY divorce forms, an infographic of the divorce process, and several bonus videos.


If you’re in a bit more of a hurry, and you need a 1-1 Divorce Strategy session with a full money-back guarantee (even if you LOVE the session, no offence taken if you want the cost refunded – it’s just to make sure you remember to turn up for the phone call) – then I can help you with that too.


These and other awesome options on how to have a more peaceful divorce, and how to turn around a nasty one, are at



Podcast version: Listen on iTunes

Alternative Ways To Divorce

Posted by on 9:31 pm in Article 3, Collaborative Divorce, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Divorce News, Useful articles Law | 0 comments

Alternative Ways To Divorce

Divorce and Separation can be far less stressful if you use ‘alternatives’ to going to court – such as Collaborative Law or just keeping things peaceful and out of the court room.

James Belderbos is one of those family law solicitors who would much rather you sorted things out in a peaceful manner, than ended up needing to be represented in court.  As a family man himself, James prefers to take an intelligent approach to the challenges of separating finances and parenting responsibilities.

James supports divorcing couples in the Leicestershire and surrounding areas, and he has a strong collaborative network of other professionals such as financial experts, coaches and counsellors, since divorce is a process that requires many types of expertise to get the desired end result.

The more intelligent and non-combative the approach, the more money a couple can save and the less ongoing stress they will have to suffer.  Which is why James is a strong proponent of Collaborative Practice, and he is himself a qualified Collaborative Family Lawyer.

To find out more about how the Collaborative Law Process can make divorce and separation so much less messy, click here.

To find out more about James Belderbos, click here.




Don’t Get Divorce Advice From A Divorcee

Posted by on 2:36 pm in Divorce & Starting Over TV, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles | 0 comments

Don’t Get Divorce Advice From A Divorcee

In this short podcast I explain why you need to be careful about who you get your advice from when divorcing.


Anchor – Best Way To Divorce

Listen to Anchor audio from Best Way To Divorce: Suzy Miller Divorce Strategist as seen on BBC Breakfast TV, Womans Hour, Times, Telegraph, Daily Mail etc

Best Way To Divorce Radio Show Podcast: Listen Here…..

How To Make The Best Divorce (Recipe)

Posted by on 3:20 pm in Blog 7, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Divorce News | 0 comments

How To Make The Best Divorce (Recipe)

Here is a simple recipe for the Best Way To Divorce. Follow this and avoid many of the disasters that can befall those those who manage their own DIY or self-managed divorce.  With a divorce recipe to hand, it’s possible to save thousands on legal fees, and avoid harming the children, and the whole process can be far less stressful. Divorce and separation is usually pretty tough on everyone in the family, so having some kind of proper plan, a focus on what you want for the future, creating clarity on post-divorce finances – all these elements are as important as any legal aspects of the divorce.

Do We Need A.I. Divorce Lawyers To Make The New Government Online Divorce System Work?

Posted by on 8:19 am in Blog 8, Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Divorce News | 0 comments

Do We Need A.I. Divorce Lawyers To Make The New Government Online Divorce System Work?

The first step to having an automated robot lawyer to administer your divorce has begun – A pilot project has been run in a divorce court in Nottingham with ‘really positive’ results, according to initial assessments, with a completely online system for uncomplicated divorces.

But it seems people can’t fill in the forms properly.  Hmm – surprised they didn’t see that one coming.  But then – immediately we have evidence of the need for assistance – from lawyers?  Or at the very least a team of supporters in the divorce administrative process, (which online divorce providers have offered as an ‘upsell’ for years).

Court managers have disclosed that four out of 10 people who fill in divorce application forms without the help of a lawyer have their request for the divorce process to begin rejected because they cannot complete the form correctly.

The intentions behind this trial seem healthy enough. Judges and Ministers hope the trial of the method will revolutionise family law.  Last year the most senior family judge, President of the Family Division Sir James Munby, promised that when digitised divorce is in operation ‘we will, at last, have escaped from a court system still in too large part moored in the world of the late Mr Charles Dickens

Of course, to be able to use an online digital system your divorce has to be pretty much one that you can resolve together over the kitchen table.

In cases where the divorce is uncontested, and where there are no arguments over property, money or children, divorces can be completed without the couple having to go to court. (This is the case right now of course.)  But the online system has the potential to make divorce even easier – apparently.

But hang on a minute.  When they say: “where there are no arguments” – could that also mean one person telling the other person how it’s going to pan out, and their spouse being too frightened to argue with them?

But if divorce is all about filling in a few forms, then what’s the problem?  Because anyone who has been through family separation knows that divorce is all about admin and forms, don’t they?

Russell Bywater, a partner at Dawson Cornwell solicitors, is quoted as saying: ‘If one was cynical one could say the online divorce pilot is a convenient distraction to draw attention away from the inconvenient truth which is that the court service generally is woefully under-resourced and many courts are borderline administratively dysfunctional.

I think Mr Bywater has a point.  But the focus is still on the ‘admin’ – and that’s the problem.  

Currently you can already do the ‘admin part’ by accessing forms online for free – direct from the government website or via a resource I created recently – only I added video and extra information for the many who will soon discover that just filling in forms – even if you get it 100% correct – does not turn divorce into as simple a process as they thought it would be.

As a Divorce Strategist, I offer a fully-refundable initial strategy session and often assume that my client will only need one session once provided with a clearer over-view of the divorce landscape – rather like flying over their divorce in a balloon and assessing the wider implications and how to avoid it all turning nasty. Yet invariably we discover that there are whole areas of their divorce that they haven’t yet considered.

Does the online system bring up issues of grandparents who may need to feel included in the creation of a parenting plan because their goodwill and mutual support for the couple can be important in keeping it all peaceful?  Does it provide a framework for creating a parenting plan at all?

Does the online system explain at what points talking to a lawyer is a good idea?  The current government website information constantly suggests as a caveat for most of the information to ‘talk to a lawyer’ – incidentally without any real guidance of exactly where and when you most need to use one.  Because there are times it is wise to use legal services, even in the most peaceful low-cost divorce – and that’s coming from someone who promotes herself as sharing with clients “What the lawyers don’t tell you”.

Does the new system suggest that the couples’ concept of ‘we don’t really have any assets to split so it’s really simple’ get a review to test that belief (which could be for free) from a financial planner?  Because I am often surprised by how many clients I talk to who have a great deal more assets in their marriage than they seem to realise, and some even talk about ‘his’ or ‘her’ assets, unaware that they are ‘their’ assets due to the marriage contract they both signed. 

So maybe an Artificial Intelligence online lawyer has a role after all, to make the online divorce process more likely to succeed?  If there is an AI designer out there who would like me to help them to program this clever robot to provide key information that most people lack when they begin the process of divorce, and to also help them avoid that stage where it turns from a simple administrative process into years of court battles – because divorce is only 10% legal and 90% human – then feel free to contact me.

But no matter how beautifully programmed this AI lawyer will be, without the ability to connect on a human level, how will it not just become another staging post of an established ‘Dickensian’ system that filters out the ‘uncomplicated’ divorces, and throws the rest of them to the lions, into an existing court system that seems to actively support angry narcissistic behaviour and does little to support those with more peaceful inclinations where things have just started to get a bit out of hand.

Are humans truly empowered to navigate a massive emotional and practical journey, with enormous implications for their children, via an online form system that is still too complicated for 40% of them to fill out?  I wonder what Mr Dickens would have made of it all?


suzy-miller-divorce strategist


Suzy Miller

Divorce Strategist

As seen on BBC TV, Telegraph, Daily Mail etc
Collaborated with MOJ in promoting dispute resolution

“Peace is my weapon of choice”

What Do You Do When Your Clients’ Lives Are Turned Upside Down?

Posted by on 3:42 pm in Divorce Advice | 0 comments

What Do You Do When Your Clients’ Lives Are Turned Upside Down?

Ask Your Business Network To Host This Unique Short Talk Because 42% Of Their Married Clients Will Thank You:

Do you value your moral obligations to others MORE than your legal obligations?


When your clients or your employee’s lives are turned upside down by family breakup, there is no legal obligation to signpost them in ways that lead to more peaceful solutions.  But do you feel powerless to help them? Are you sure that any advice you may give is going to be GOOD advice, when they are caught in a nasty divorce battle, or depressed because they haven’t seen their children in months, or dreading monstrous legal costs – or in danger of losing their business?

The last thing you want to do to your valued clients is to give them the WRONG advice – advice like….  “Go and talk to a lawyer!” – when that might be the exact stage where they SHOULD NOT be talking to a lawyer!

But like them, you may be equally confused over when they do need a lawyer, a mediator, or financial expert?  How do they stay sane – and productive, throughout a process that can affect 42% of your married clients? 

I offer a 20-minute talk on “What The Lawyers Don’t Tell You” – a quick guide to Divorce First Aid.  In my role as the UK’s Divorce Strategist, you may have seen me on TV, providing expert commentary in The Telegraph or read the article I wrote for the Daily Mail –  I’ve even collaborated with Government departments in encouraging more peaceful ways for families to change form.

It’s not a legal necessity to signpost your clients towards a Better Way To Divorce – but I’d say it IS a moral one, because after just 20 minutes you can be certain not to give the wrong advice to vulnerable clients, nor to employees and friends.

A study of 13 European countries by the World Health Organization found that divorce was the ONLY factor linked with suicide in EVERY ONE of the 13 countries.  Divorced men, in particular, are two to three times more likely to commit suicide than married men – and that can be as a direct result of their divorce turning nasty – when maybe it just didn’t need to.  A Divorce strategy is key.

Divorce First Aid really can save lives.

Ask your business network to offer this unique training that will change the way they view a process that can adversely affect 42% of their married clients.   

So book me now for that 20-minute talk – no cost to the first 5 who book  (just travel expenses).  Contact


Divorce First Aid Training

How do you mediate divorce with a narcissist?

Posted by on 11:06 am in Divorce Advice, Divorce Advice and articles, Divorce and Family Mediation, Financial Divorce Advice, Useful articles Finance, Useful articles Law | 0 comments

How do you mediate divorce with a narcissist?

There seems to be an increase in the number of divorcees accusing their spouses as being narcissistic, and it could be that the term is being used more widely because these days, it’s so easy to find a list on the internet of “How to spot if your spouse is a narcissist” – though many of the traits and ‘tell-tale signs” are not that far from behaviour most of us might demonstrate on a bad day!

But perhaps the apparent rise in this style of behaviour is a reflection of our times, and the focus on ‘me’ rather than ‘us’ – and material possessions. Which will always create conflicts for a financial planner, who wants divorcing clients to be looking to the future for the benefit of their whole family, not just their individual client – as they know that ultimately, the best investments won’t compensate for having kids who won’t talk to you anymore, because your lifestyle was focused more on income generation than spending time with your family.


Samantha Jago mediator, divorce mediation Guildford, divorce mediator Surrey, divorce GU

Family solicitor and Mediator, Samantha Jago of RHW Solicitors in Guildford, doesn’t believe that there has been a sudden rise in narcissistic clients.  “It’s more a human response to fear and anxiety. I wouldn’t say it is narcissistic as such, as more of a compensatory over-reaction to the ‘hurt’ of a relationship breakdown.”

Because of course divorce is a painful process, and people respond in different ways – which is why working with professionals who have not only expertise in their fields of law and finance is key, but also those experts who have an understanding of the psychological effects of divorce and the different ways that this can manifest in the behaviour of their clients.  

 So what are the implications of this behaviour, which can make using dispute resolution so challenging – leading often to an adversarial divorce, which has massive financial and emotional implications on their families and their work life?

“It can lead to individuals becoming totally entrenched in their views and position.”  Explains Samantha. “Obviously, there are also implications on their relationships with other family members and friends as they may be receiving perfectly rational advice on what they should do and end up regarding it as hostile. Ultimately, unless successfully challenged, the intransigence can lead to the failure of the whole mediation process.”



One of the key issues with narcissistic behaviour, is a complete lack of respect for boundaries. A narcissist shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. They think nothing of not returning money or items they have borrowed, repeatedly break promises without remorse – in fact they will usually blame the victim in some way (“Well, you shouldn’t have lent it to me then, should you?” or  “Why didn’t you remind me?  I don’t have that money to give to you now”).

As a family mediator, it can be challenging to use dispute resolution successfully, when one of the parties is refusing to empathise with their spouses’ position, and only seeing things from their own perspective.

They may feel that battling it out in court will show them ‘to be right’ – but of course they usually will end up spending a lot of money, making the situation even more hostile, and not really gaining the sense of victory that they seek.

“To be honest a lot of this comes down to how badly the relationship has broken down and individual situations. You cannot force anyone to be ‘reasonable’ who feels that they have been so badly treated that the option of being ‘reasonable’ with their ex-partner is just not a real option for them!”  Samantha recommends that clients in this situation talk to friends they trust, perhaps get some outside help to address mental health issues/anxiety and anger then they may be able to reassess where they really are.


“Working as a mediator allows me to offer more solutions and ways to avoid going down an adversarial route. I believe that ultimately, mediation puts the divorcing couple in control of the divorce, instead of being told what to do by a judge.  But it does depend heavily on the willingness of the couple themselves to be open to finding solutions. We are open with clients about the financial implications of choosing one option instead of another but an important part of being a mediator is not trying to impose your own views onto a client. Obviously, a successful mediation means that the end decisions have come from the couple themselves rather than a third party. If they grasp that and can find a way to work towards it, it will probably mean they will feel better about the whole thing in years to come.”


Caron Barruw, pschotherapist London NW, counselling London NW, how to divorce amicably, online divorce advice, divorce London NW, phychotherapy and divorce,

Psychotherapist Caron Barruw explains why it can be challenging to use mediation when one of the couple is a true Narcissist:

“Narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder that does not suddenly appear but has been there all along and gets worse in situations like divorce. Usually it is impossible to mediate this as often there are irrational thoughts that are associated with the condition that works better with strict boundaries and guidelines. Each person has their own lawyer representing them and the other lawyer is very firm and in control. (Which can still take place out of court using Collaborative Law).

When people act out due to abandonment and rejection issues it is also difficult to mediate as they are feeling hurt and don’t want to settle things.  Many people act out feeling rejected by protecting themselves. In doing so they become self focused and act out anger as they really feel so vulnerable.”


Although it’s very easy to ‘give up’ on a narcissist and assume that an angry court battle is inevitable, sometimes working with a counsellor can help that ‘vulnerable’ person become more open to a less expensive way to divorce.  And although mediation might be a challenge, co-mediation might still be an option as that can offer clearer boundaries if those mediators are skilled in dealing with that level of power imbalance in the couple – perhaps with a trained therapist present during the sessions.  Even a narcissist doesn’t necessarily want to end up with a massive legal bill and court fees.

Samantha encourages divorcing clients who have assets that need splitting, pensions and properties, to work with a financial planner early on – not just near the end of the divorce to work out how to invest their settlement.  She is connected with a range of advisors and it is entirely up to her clients whether they choose to work with a financial planner or not, but among those local advisors is Mark Smale of CMP Financial, who is experienced in working with people who are going through divorce.


“Divorcees often ignore pensions and focus more  on the property – and forget to ensure they have something to support them in their retirement.” Warns Financial Planner Mark Smale.  “They also confuse the true value of a pension to be its current amount, rather than what it will pay out later.  If they are feeling bullied and their spouse is refusing to have a reasonable discussion about how to split the finances, then working with a financial planner can bring clarity and confidence and put them in a much better negotiating position if the divorce stays out of court. 

If it has to go before a judge, it will also ensure that the judge is better informed about the financial situation long-term if at least one of the divorcing couple has a proper financial plan in place.” (Financial Planner Mark Smale:



Samantha believes that all qualified financial planners: “..probably shed more light on the financial implications, in the years ahead, from those decisions divorcing couples make at quite an early stage in the process. It does help to focus minds when the true monetary position is spelt out in clear terms.  But it is important that all parties understand that they can only elaborate on the possible results from decisions the clients may make, and focus only on what is in the best interest of those clients.”

Samantha Jago is partner at RHW Solicitors, a member of Resolution, a past Vice President of Surrey Law Society, an advisor for the National Centre for Domestic Violence and a member of the Alternative Divorce Directory.

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